07 June, 2009

There is no "F" in "Doogie".


This guy's about to get Scannered.
Here's what's got me bugged out, today, so I figure I'll make Todd's head explode.
I'm playing around with my soundfonts in the office this morning. It's slow as most of the check outs have already left and all I'm doing is waiting on the dryer so I can fold up the linens (yeah, I do housekeeping). Well, I come across this one called piper that sounds nothing like what you would expect a piper to sound like. In fact, it sounds more like the computer tone used in the Doogie Howser, M.D. theme. So you know what I have to do at that point.
Thanks to the piercing quality of the harmonics in this tone, I didn't have to jack the volume up too high to blow the roof of the hostel using just the laptop speakers. For real, B, I was set at -20dB.
Naturally, one of the guests comes into the office and asks, as though it were an incredulously improbable situation, "Are you watching Doogie Howser?"
I tell him no and show him how I can use my laptop keyboard as a... well, keyboard and play him the opening notes to the theme. His mind is now blown. How am I doing that and how can he make his laptop do that too? Before I can answer he's already scuttling off, no doubt to Google "How do I make my keyboard into a keyboard?"
It should be noted that this was also the guy who was here yesterday for the sole purpose of shamelessly railing the living hell out of another guest, whose name, and I shit you not, is Magic. Magic is loud. Magic doesn't care who knows that she's being given the business at 1230CDT. I know now, and I know because I was in the closet trying to dig out the shop vac when I hear "huh!" Like a little James Brown grunt. A few of these in a row. I wonder what the fuck is that. I walk down the hall (right by Magic's room) and poke my head over the railing. Is somebody hurt in the kitchen? Do I need to point out the first aid kit? Nobody's screaming. Oh, well.
So I go back to trying to dig out the shop vac. More feminine James Brown grunts. I look up. What? Nothing. And just as I hunker back down to the shop vac I hear a loud "AAAAWWWWHHHHAAAA!!!!" I stop everything. Yup. That explains it. Magic was gettin' a good ol' fashioned rogerin'. Well, good for her, at least somebody up in this motherfucker should get laid some time, lord knows nobody on the staff has gotten any lately.
ANYWAY! So I'm playing the fucking Doogie Howser theme this morning, right? (And I wonder why I don't get laid.) And I notice that it is essentially the C major scale. With one glaring exception: The omission of the F note. Mind you, this is just in the main motif that recurs at the beginning and end. So I examine the middle section to find out if they omit the F from this C major scale for the entire piece. Well, what I find is not that they omit the F, but they shift it to F, which means this is no longer a C major scale. It is now the major scale in the key of G. But you see, they trick you, because the main part of the song is in the IV of G, making this it the Lydian mode in C and the middle section can be considered a D major scale which throws things slightly out of whack because the VII of D is C which doesn't fit into the G major scale. The composer gets around this by omitting any kind of C for the duration of that section.
See how easy this shit is? Why the hell can't I get a job scoring TV theme songs?

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