05 June, 2009

Thank God It's Briday


Pictured: Communism.Thirty eight women are lined up single file like Jawas to hide their numbers in their march to democracy. Or maybe that's just a bread line. You can never tell with some of these foreigners. If you can't tell, today's theme is going to be one link per sentence.
Or not.
That many links would certainly throw Blogger's spam detection software out of whack and then there would be a ban or something on Sound Design And Assembly and I would have to contact a site admin or whoever and explain to them that I am indeed not a spammer. And there would still be a twenty eight day ban on while they sort things out and there I would be stuck not being able to post anything, which would force me to do something else with my mornings. Dishes don't take that long. Vaccuuming don't take that long. Cleaning the patio takes about twenty to forty five minutes when it's dirty. Let me have this one thing, will you? I have so little else and my life is thoroughly miserable, I just need a venue where I can A) feel like I know what I'm talking about, B) flaunt my geekery unreservedly, C) engage in absurdist humor, and D) talk about the music (records, instruments, bands, gear) I love for an hour or two each day.
But today, as we do every Friday, we will turn our attention to making sex-slavery ring jokes based heartily in misogyny and xenophobia with a special emphasis on pretending to have no understanding whatsoever of socialist-styled governments. I call it, "Getting rid of all the nasty shit that's built up in my head over the week." For those of you that don't get that this is a joke, you can go here, and never come back. Really, if you click that link, don't ever come back here. I don't want you here because you take everything out of context and don't get that there are these things in the world called "parody", "irony", and "satire". So, again, if you really want to leave, I'm offering you the way out, but if you leave, you can never come back.
For the rest of us (yes, I'm starting now, so you might want to use the exit) that understand that mail order brides are scams, let's initiate...


Page one: Four blondes, one of whom cops to being blonde but dyes her hair auburn. Yes, I said auburn, fuck you. I think we haven't encountered this before, therefore, Anna gets to sit on the back burner while I make up my mind. The other three, including two boring ones, are out.
Page two: Eleven blondes. Eleven. And two boring ones. This would be the worst page ever if it weren't for the one that looks vaguely like altporn star, Joanna Angel.


It helps if you squint.

But can I just get this out of my system for a moment? Thanks.
Why do they call it "altporn"? Is it supposed to be like "alt" as in "alternative"? Because that's really bullshit. Look, alt porn is exactly like regular porn but with tattoos and fucked up haircuts. You think porn stars in so-called mainstream porn don't like punk rock or heavy metal? Jenna Jameson has a tattoo. Asia Carrera has a labia piercing. Eva Rose sported a Bettie Page haircut for a while. I suppose it's because they didn't make tattoos, piercings, and their hair "a lifestyle" that prohibits them from being "alt". That and they're hot.
That's right, they're hot in the traditional sense which means they can never be "alt". Seriously take a look at the Suicide Girls or Burning Angel some time. I mean seriously observe them with your pants zipped up. Here's what I'm saying: Half of those girls, really, about half of them, if they didn't have tattoos, piercings, or fucked up haircuts, they would have never been picked up for porn. Because they're not hot. Take away the ink and the metal and the Rubik's Cube dyed mohawk, and you have a plain Jane. That's it. That's all she is. Normal. And there's nothing wrong that.
This poses a few questions:
Firstly, do the guys who look at this stuff want to fuck the girls? Or do they want to fuck the tattoos? And you can ask this about any fetish. Take a shoe fetish. Does the guy want to fuck the woman wearing the shoes, or just the shoes?
Secondly, is it alternative because these are not your standard bombshells and this presents an opportunity to see real women with real bodies? Or is that a moot point as these women's bodies ceased being "real", or natural, rather, upon modification? Also consider in your answer that while it's true that none of these ladies appears to have a gym membership, you're also not going to see any overweight women in altporn, as overweight women are just as discriminated against in altporn as they are in mainstream porn and are still ghettoized to the BBW subgenre.
AMENDMENT: I have found an overweight altporn star who is just altporn, not BBWaltporn. Her name is April Flores. So far I can't tell if she's the only one to break away from the BBW mold or if there are others. I'll keep you updated.
Wait. No I won't. I got better things to do.
Thirdly, can it be considered "alt" merely by virtue of the appearance, and in some instances the stated musical preferences, of the performers when all the fucking going on on the screen is the exact same fucking you can find anywhere else? The only difference being that altporn is supposedly more feminist friendly in that it does not regard women as pieces of meat. But you can find the same S&M degradations, the same anal reamings, the same money shots, the same everything in altporn that you can in mainstream porn.
I posit forth, then, that altporn is not an alternative to anything.

Yeah, but some of them are really hot, though.

Page one: Eight blondes, and four boring ones.
Well, we're left with ten, so let's trim this up a little. Firstly, our back burner blonde, Anna, is out. We're just going to have to cobble this together. We've got one that looks like she would gripe about going to a dive bar, one that slipped through that looks eerily like my cousin Jenny, and one with ugly shoes. Out.
Six? Six? We're still stuck with six? Fuck, man.
Hell with it. Julia's twenty two. She is not ready to leave her friends and you know my ass is going to be stuck in Minneapolis for a long time (I should be hearing about a job in a land far far away at some point today, though), so that's not going to work.
Oksana is nineteen, and marrying her would be a huge mistake because nineteen year olds haven't found themselves yet so, fellas, you've been warned.
Ekaterina looks like a porn mogul and drinks. That doesn't wow me.
Winner.Another Anna is twenty eight and her profile reads like, "Hey, you know, life's a bitch. I did all the right things, all the things I thought I was supposed to, and nothing turned out the way people told me they would.
"So, fuck it, right? I'm here. I'm not bullshitting you. This is the last thing I ever wanted to do but I'm coming up on thirty and I've never been out of this frozen shit-pit. I'm going to marry you only so I can reside in your country and after whatever probabtionary period is over, I'll probably leave unless you're really cool because, I mean shit, right? We're going to have to live with each other and I won't know anybody else... so...
"But it's like, you know, I'm going to get a job. I'm not a free loader if that's what you're worried about. I'm not in it for the money. In fact, when we divorce, I'm not even looking for alimony. I'm just looking to get out of the Ukraine, man, and at this point in my life, if I have to fuck a cowboy to do that, cool. Have you seen the guys over here? No. For real. So I don't see it like I have to fuck a cowboy, I see it like I get to fuck a cowboy and live in the country that invented punk rock.
"And, hey, I get it. You're capitalists. I hear all the time about how half you guys are afraid of socialism and the other half want it and you know what? It's like whatever, you know? It's just fucking money. If you want, we can move to Canada because that's socialist like I'm familiar with and on the same continent like you're familiar with. See? Compromise."
She's a keeper.
Yet another Anna spent more time learning badminton and the German language than English. She should probably look for a German guy, then.
Elena has huge tits. That's cool, I've never discounted a woman based on having huge tits, but her profile says nothing.
So there. I think it's safe to conclude that Anna is the winner. Anna is welcome to the U.S. anytime she would like to come. Can I go do something else now?

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