18 June, 2009

A Heroin Engineer's Handbook


Your mixes just got that much more fuckin' awesome.
To your right, you will see a picture of a book. This book, as I'm sure you'll note is titled The Heroin User's Handbook. What is perplexing to me - aside from that somebody has authored and convinced somebody else to publish a shoot up manual - is that it looks exactly like one of my old course books. Contributing author (and former classmate) Daver has confirmed that this book does indeed look familiar. I've Google Image and Google Books searched every conceivable variation of _________ Engineer's Handbook of which I can think. In alphabetical order...
  • Assistant Engineer's Handbook
  • Audio Engineer's Handbook
  • Mixing Engineer's Handbook
  • Recording Engineer's Handbook
I started specifying editions. I started searching with and without quotes. I went to my alma mater's site to find a book list (there was none). I Googled "Heroin User's Handbook Look A Like". Eventually, I threw up my hands, said "Fuck it," and Googled "Engineer's Handbook". Bupkus.
What this means is that there is an audio engineering book out there of some sort that looks identical to a new jack swing* instruction manual.
But now, after trying to find the book that this book looks like, I've gotta know what it's in the Smack Almanac. And it's everything you ever wanted to know about heroin and more! Just the fuckin' table of contents on its own is enough to convince me that I need to do this drug. Hell, it would be more if I didn't do heroin, now! There's no damnably possible way that anything can go wrong so long as I read this book.
From now on, where you see you my face, you're going to see heroin. Sweet, sweet, completely non-addictive, rational-and-clear-headed damn ass heroin.
You see, I used to think that junkies that overdosed and died were a bunch of weak-assed punk bitches. Now I stand corrected; they just didn't have the instruction book!
So, anyway, before this blog becomes Sound Design And As -What? Huh? Uh, yeah.blogspot.com after I blow my paycheck on some spider blue**, I'm going to - Wait. What? Shit.
No, anyway, really. If anybody knows which audio engineering book I'm talking about, leave a comment. Also, if you can vouch for the safety of heroin, tell us all about the great time you're having on it.

* The most awesome list of band names I've ever seen.
** Really, who came up with that one?

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