How I Spent my Beard Money

Right now, there are two garbage trucks in my alley. Both intends to go in a different direction. As most alleys are a single lane and most garbage trucks are large, lane-and-a-half motherfuckers, this is, of course, is an obstacle. Especially with how each garbage truck appears to be under the operation of private contractors rather than city boys. They've just been sitting there, staring at each other for five minutes.
This weekend, I made US$50 for my beard. No shit.

I was thinking on my way home from work on Friday about shaving it off and then I get an email from Georgie who found this guy that wants to take pictures of people with beards for an art project of his. He pays his subjects US$50.
So he comes over Saturday, and he takes some pictures of me futzing about with MSN messenger, I give him a quick run down about Ohio, play him a quick KRAKOA demo, and when I look up, he's done. Shit took less time than a haircut. So, of course, I'm weirded out because he was here for all of four minutes and the shots are pretty much me on my laptop. I'm still of the mind that "Picture of Bearded Guitar Player" would be a much cooler addition to the collection than "Bearded Laptop Guy".
What do I know? I made US$50. And how did I spend it?

All figures represent US Dollars as of March 2008

• 20 to Georgie's finder's fee.
• 15 to a twelve pack of imported, German beer
• 8 to a greazy-assed burger and chili-cheese fries
• 7 to breakfast at the CC Club
• 1 to a used vinyl copy of Bob Seger's Night Moves.*
  

*I did a lot of rounding up, so I had about a buck in change left over.

On the one hand, we kind of regret blowing our money on "party weekend". On the other hand, we haven't gone out to do anything in forever, so my hard drive case can wait a while longer.

Gather round, mein kinder geeken.

This is not a toy.
This is a robot.
A drum playing robot.
That's right, this cute little guy is one-half Roomba, one-half sampler. It just rolls around and looks for shit to beat up on, as though it were a Mongol horde; a cute, harmless, Mongol horde.
Did I mention it's also a US$120 Mongol horde? And that you can't just buy one, no-o-o, you have to build the little fucker, so you might have quadruple musical degrees, but if you don't know the first thing about electronics... well... I think things might take longer than the estimated 20 hour build time.
Maybe I'll get my dad to build it, like that time in Cub Scouts when I was part of the Pinewood Derby but the old man built the car for me because he didn't allow me to use power tools at that age, thereby negating the purpose behind the Pinewood Derby, thus securing my life-long ineptitude with the majority of consumer power tools. I've operated equipment that would turn your shit lily white and give it the aroma of Febreeze, but I've never handled a circular saw.
(My old man also didn't allow me to use the stove until I was eighteen for fear that I would burn the house down. The stove in question was electric meaning NO OPEN FLAMES. As a result, I didn't learn how to prepare a meal for myself until I was twenty two.)
But, yeah, robots, sounds like it's up my old man's alley, he's got forty years as a mechanic under his belt. Motherfucker fixed tanks, even. No shit.
The robot, named the YELLOW DRUM MACHINE, just rolls right the fuck around, beats on something like that ADHD kid in your junior high drum corps sitting in the back of math class trying to fidget off the Ritalin. As it physically plays its obstacle, it's recording the sound. It then plays that recording back for a few seconds and then rolls right the fuck off, looking to conquer the next obstacle like Alexander the Great with a Risk game-board.
If you want the official skinny on this robot, though, with some video of the thing at work, just follow the link. It is worth the read even if you don't know anything about robot construction or assembly, because the page's author (the guy who actually built the Yellow Drum Machine) doesn't use a whole lot of tech terms.
At a few points, he does like to point out that he hasn't used any servos on this robot. I don't know what the fuck a servo is, but I'm assuming that his servo-less construction warrants my being impressed, which I am. I don't know why, but I am.
Oh, he's talking about these things:
You know, like when you'd get some really kick-ass toy on Christmas and it'd be "broke" by New Years and, because you're a little kid, you don't easily grasp the difference "broke" and "dead batteries" so you decide "fuck it" (even though you're not familiar with the word "fuck" and your mother would smack the dog shit out of you if you did know it and she caught you saying it) since it's broke anyway, and you would take one of your old man's screwdrivers and you crack open the toy to see what's in there and you find these little things inside the bastard and you don't know what they are, but they're almost cooler than the toy was, even though your folks probably dropped half a paycheck on the toy in the first place...
Sometimes, I wonder why my parents didn't just hand my five year old ass a box of spare parts and tell me to go nuts. I think by the time I was twelve I had dismantled half of the personal electronics in the house, and half of that I was able to put back together before my parents got home from work. I'm not saying I learned anything about electronics, though, I wasn't that kid. I was just really good at taking shit apart and putting it back together.
Back to the point, though, the inventor of the Yellow Drum Machine, was that kid.
And I want one. Not a kid, Lord no. I mean a robot.

Interview: ScotT and JakeT of Robin Hood Hills.

Scot	Jake

Scot Thompson is the guitarist/vocalist/songwriter/engineer for Robin Hood Hills. For a good, long while, he was the behind the scenes instigator in the Richards. Jake Thompson is a crazy motherfucker who loved Krakoa with all his drunken heart. He was the bassist/vocalist in the Richards. He kicked the shit out of my oven. For those (unfortunately) not in the know, the Richards were a group that espoused punk ethics and DIY methods in tandem with pop songwriting sensibilities that never hid their left-leaning politics or chaotic alcoholism.
The only time I got to witness the Richards live was with an absent drummer and tanked singer; even with these hindrances, Scot grabbed an acoustic, Jake picked up his bass, and the two proceeded to belt out a half dozen songs as though nothing was the mater, as though to say, “Fuck it.” The song craft and the instrumental prowess shined through.
Recently, Scot and Jake formed Robin Hood Hills, which I haven't heard yet, but there's a link and I'll click on it when I'm done here, I'm sure that if it isn't the same caliber as the Richards it's probably better, knowing these two. It is excellent, now that I've listened to it.
I believe I've said it once before: Scot works at Applebee's and Jake is nucking futs; he kicked the shit out of my oven. Scot and I IM'ed each other with Jake on the phone on Scot's end, according to Scot during one catastrophic server failure, Jake was over thinking a bunch of things. What follows is our IM conversation, edited only for continuity.

I says: State your name, age, location, occupation, website, etc. for the record.
Scot says:
S: Scot Thompson, 21, Burnsville, Guitar/Vox, myspace.com/therobinhoodhills
J: Jake Thompson, 22, Richfield, Bass/Vox
S: Our Drummers name is Andy Doran, he's 24 and lives in Uptown
Scot says: jake is on the line
I says: Duran Duran is making headlines on msn apparently. He aint hung over?
Scot says:
fire away. nope. weird.
I says: Alright, who wants to field this one? What the fuck happened to the Richards?
Go.
Scot says:
S: we gave up kinda
J: we live too far apart. we look forward to being able to play shows in the future.
I says: You gave up. Why? Dirt, motherfucker. Elaborate. This interview could make or break you.
Scot says:
S: I was writing a lot by myself, and with the new material it was kind of impossible to progress the new material. you know what i mean, vern?
I says: So, what's the new band's name?
Scot says:
J: the Robin Hood hills
I says: Do you have music up yet?
Scot says:
S: Just posted some demos in the past two days. It's programmed drums and bass, and the vocals are only mine, but they are songs that we've learned and are working on
I says: What's seperating this from the Richards? What's different?
Scot says:
J: It's obviously more than just being a trio, it's a little bit more experimental.
I says: What are you experimenting with? You're not going Mars Volta, are you?
Scot says:
S: Where as The Richards became this band where songs were written seperately and learned by the band. The Robin Hood Hills are more about writing together and being a band together. That, and The Robin Hood Hills didn't start as a Dillinger Four cover band. That helps.
J: Nothing crazy.
S: We're just writing together and to us, that's pretty experimental
J: We're just trying new things, finding new ways to look at songs.
I says: You guys are still suburban right? As in, "in the suburbs".
Scot says:
J: Unfortunately
S: Yeah, we practice in NE Minneapolis at the Quadruple Double Duce, but we live in separate towns. It's just where our lives have trapped us kinda.
I says: Do you think that's affected your style? Y'know, as opposed to being metro.
Scot says:
J: I dunno, I've never really thought about it more than just a place that I work and live. I dont think it's affected us that much. We're small town kids. I think where we grew up affects us way more than where we live now.
S: Jake and I grew up and jammed all through high school in this tiny town and since we're still playing together and writing together, our hearts are still back home in a way
S: Where you go home too i think isn't as important as where you practice and who you play shows with. when it's frequent like it is now, we're way more affected by being in the city more often. The Richards only really played one house show down here.
I says: I think I get that. I grew up in SE Toledo until I was 14 and I remember there being a lot of industrial music. Then my family moved out to Custar, a little farm town where it was all about country or kids wanting to pretend they knew all about rap. I think until I was 21, when I FINALLY left home, I thought I was the only person in Ohio who even listened to punk rock or metal or trip hop etc. etc
Has the "metro sound" affected how you approach things, then?
Scot says:
J: The Metro sound has effected us more than anything. That sound is what we've always tried to achieve
I says: How's that? What's there that you're trying to get at?
Scot says:
When we were growing up, we were always keeping our ears to minneapolis. Dillinger Four, Rivethead, Lifter Puller, Cadillac Blindside, all these bands are metro and they are the bands we were into when we first started writing and to this day are where our minds are when we write
[Internet hits all holy fucking catastrophe at this point. Things get sussed out by phone and then we get back to IM'ing.]
I says:
In case you didn't get those last two:
How's that?
What's there that you're trying to get at?
Scot says:
two more, that's perfect
J: a sense of reality. with the lifter puller stuff there's brains, and with the rest of city there's just a sense or realness that you don't really find in other places or other styles of music.
you still there?
I says:
So what's in youse guys's rigs, instrument-wise.
I says:
Still here.
Scot says:
cool
I says:
Mystery Steve was here for a second, then he disappeared again. Mystery Steve is our new roommate. We don't know anything about him except that he comes home for ten minutes everyday. Wanted to know what was up with my beard money. Earlier, I was part of an art project for this guy who was paying people US$50 to take pictures of their beards. Tell Jake to stop over thinking it.
Scot says:
J: Samick Bass (P.O.S.), Fender Bass Man amp, no pedals
S: Gibson Les Paul Studio Plus, Marshall AVT160 half stack, and newly acquired RAT stomp box
S: Doran has 2 kits, a practice and a show one, but i have no idea what kind they are. where we practice we just use what evers around
aight
did you get all these?
our responces?
I says:
Yep.
Scot, tell us all about the Boss Hyper Metal. The only thing worse is the DOD Death Metal.
Scot says:
S: oh shit! it was the Boss Metal Zone pedal. i got it for 120 dollars from Fat Freddys in Willmar, MN was i was in 10th grade. I figured it was expensive, so it must sound great! i didn't even try it out before it bought it. It's pretty much pure white noize. It's just awful. I finally ditched it and got the RAT and that thing has saved my life.
Scot says:
J: Didn't they use my bass amp on your record?
I says:
Yeah, it was the only thing we had in the iso booth.
Scot says:
S: nice
I says:
It sounded kind of David Michael Riley-ish, which I really liked.
I've played through a ton of different fuzz pedals, and I still prefer the Big Muff Pi. Fuck a Fuzz Face. I've played through five fuzzes at once. It was... fuzzy.
Scot says:
S: I haven't ventured out much, it's just the distortion channels on my half-stack are too quiet and the tone still isn't quite what i want.
I says:
Are there guys whose sound you're looking to capture?
Scot says:
J: for me, i'd like to capture the 31 Knots record "Talk Like Blood" sound
S: i don't really think about other bands as much when i'm working on tone or whatever, i just go by the songs i've written and how the tone either kills or evokes what I'm going for
I says:
So are you dialing in different sounds between songs?
Scot says:
S: not so much, considering I just got it, but I will probably get there once we get our set locked down more and my guitar doesn't go where i want it to
I says:
I know you guys write together, but how? Musically? Lyrically?
Scot says:
S: For now, we've just been playing songs I wrote for the Richards when i was trying to keep it going. We didn't play the last 8-10 songs I wrote, so we're starting with those to learn how to play together. We've gotten to the point already where we are changing them musically to all feel like we are with the songs, but we've only been together for a month.
S: Lyrically, I've been exclusive so far, but jake and I always wrote lyrics together and worked on them together. we're really excited to work together and experiment vocally.
I says:
Harmonizing?
Scot says:
J: A little bit. It's not a vocal backup, it's more of a vocal switching, like Hot Water Music/Small Brown Bike/Cadillac Blindside stuff is what we like
Scot says:
"just to let you know, i've got time for about 2 more or so, then i've gotta go get some groceries"
I says:
Okay then: Top five bands/records, worst five bands, latest listenings. We'll exclude the list on the fridge,which I think is gone so I can't reference it.
Scot says:
J: 1-Lifter Puller 2-Tom Waits 3-The Smiths 4-The Murder City Devils 5-At The Drive-In for best. Lately, i've been listening to Drive-by Truckers, Sufjan Stevens, Leonard Cohen.
S: 1-Hot Water Music 2-Small Brown Bike 3-Off WIth Their Heads 4-Jimmy Eat World 5-Cadillac Blindside. Lately, i've been into Toys That Kill "Shanked", Modern Life Is War, and Atom and His Package.
I says:
Okay, where's the worst? Give it up.
Scot says:
J: New Found Glory, Van Halen
S: Nickelback, Reliant K, Fall Out Boy for sure, and....fuck it. Barry Manilow. We tried to play his record backwards to hear subliminal messages and it broke my turntable. so we played hockey with it.
I says:
Then a quick run down of band/recording history and we're done. As in QUICK.
Scot says:
S; 2 home demos, and 1 full length "For Richards or Poorer" with The Richards. That's it! We're lame.
I says:
Okay, this'll be up in twenty minutes. Call me if you need anything changed or taken out.
Scot says:
J: We've been working on a record/split with my acoustic songs too. myspace.com/jtfremont
S: ok
that's it!
I says:
Thanks guys. I'm out.
Scot says:
great interview. i wish we could sit down and do this in person sometime
I says:
Take a sick day and come party some time.

Interview: Luscious Dave"r" Lucius

Dave"r" Lucius is Bowling Green, OH's secret weapon on pop music. Siting influences as diverse as Oasis (eeewww) and Neutral Milk Hotel, Dave"r" has championed a steadfast DIY punk fashion that makes your hard-core loving ass pale in comparison.
For years, Dave was the de-facto leader of bands For The Kids and Widowmaker Jones as well as being an avid "busker". I was lucky enough to have worked with Dave in a few capacities. The first impression I made on him was in my third-floor studio in BG, recording FTK's record whilst tanked on a three liter bottle of vodka. This was obviously not my best work, but FTK's spirit shined through, deviating from the majority of Bon Jovi shit-pants rock that dominated BG at the time. Even though I normally despise pop-rock, FTK brought a different angle to it: I vaguely remember a line in Dave's lyrics about ships on seas poignant enough to make Jethro Tull blush. Simultaneously medieval (like prog), pissed off (like punk), and catchy (like most good pop), Dave immediately struck me as a musician that had his shit together and definitely the brains of the operation.
Following the demise of FTK, Dave, Todd (other guitar), and Josh (the skinny motherfucker on bass) started up Widowmaker Jones, which I didn't ever get to see live.
Following his move to Minnesota, Dave joined up with Krakoa to help record their latest record, holding down bass and banjo duties.
Dave's mother had been undergoing a long, tumultuous battle with cancer that year that was nearing its end. When Dave jumps on the mic to help provide background vocals on "Skin the Zipper" during the "fuck 'em if they can not take a joke" part, he probably means it 700% more than I did.
Lately, his current musical project has taken an almost Chinese Democracy type mystery surrounding it, recording then rerecording songs with all the zealous perfectionism of Howard Hughes, making sure everything perfect before he unleashes it to the unwitting masses.
Sorry ladies, Dave is married, one of my youngest friends to be married, and lives happily with his wife and Jack Russel Terrier, Buddy. He caught me off-guard with an unexpected IM session, which I immediately took advantage of. What follows is our conversation, edited only for continuity.

Dave: What's up?
me: Hey hey hey. In class?
Dave: No. Still on break, until Monday.
me: Feel like an impromptu twenty questions? You'll be the first.
Dave: In the immortal words of Ton Loc, Let's do it.
me: Hold up... Ready?
Dave: Yep
me: State your name, age, location, occupation, and website (if applicable) for the record please.
Dave: Dave Lucius; Minneapolis, MN; Student; http://www.myspace.com/daveluciusmusic
me: Mind you, this will all be printed. I'm not going easy on you either. Bitch.
Dave: Bring it on, mothrafucker
me: Okay, well, you've been blogging about this musical project for a while now, what is it? What's it about?
Dave: It was supposed to be me taking some songs that were not satisfactorily finished. Be they from old bands I was in, or just songs I've been trying to record over the last five years or so.
That was until I got fed up with the project and bored with the songs, and thew them out and started fresh with my most recently written song "New Wave Troubadour."
Which, incidentally, is a title I despise, but have not been able to come with anything that grabs me. I just recorded a song with my friend Robert for his Vocal Production class and that'll be the next one up, once I finish recording the rest of the instruments.
me: That can be the tough part, yeah. Is it just you? Solo?
Dave: Yes, everything is me. I suppose I'll probably need to find a drummer, as that is the instrument I am least adept at.
me: What about the Alesis? Or is it a Roland?
Dave: It's actually a Boss "Doctor Rhythm" DR-5. I haven't actually given it a lot of thought, though it would be interesting to do. I'm a big fan of Ween and that's basically what all of their first couple of records featured.
me: I never got into Ween; Magic Walter tried getting me into them, but it was meh.
Dave: I think it would be an interesting texture to use on a song or two, but I don't think I'd like to do a whole record in that fashion.
me: I've done nearly every record in that fashion, outside of the last Krakoa record. But you were there for that.
Dave: I would love to do the whole thing like the Frank Black and the Catholics records, record live straight to two-track. Live band, mixing on the fly. Alas, I don't think anyone I know has enough time/interest for the rehearsals that would be needed for something like that.
me: Guided By Voices. They aren't doing anything. Does your project have a name yet?
Dave: I've jotted a few names down. They range from "Liars + Saints" to "This Town Sure Could Use a Good Apocalypse." I suppose I'll decide that last, once I can take stock of all the tunes that will be included.
me: Sometimes it works in reverse... What's your recording rig?
Dave: I've recorded both of the tunes I have so far in Studio 3 at school. This was due mostly to availability due my penchant for waiting until the last minute to book time. I want to record the rest in Studio 7 and probably use Studio 2 to record the drums.
me: Studio 3?
Dave: Yeah, the performance area is bigger than seven but smaller than four and it has a D-Control in the control room.
me: I don't remember that one.
Dave: http://www.ipr.edu/pages_studios/IPR-studio3.php
me: Oh, that room. That room's a piece of shit.
Dave: My friend Andrew Stewart engineered the session for "New Wave Troubadour." We booked the session during an open house, due to Student Services wanting the studios to be full.
It was probably the biggest instances of time-wasting I've ever been involved in. We got there at 10:00 AM, both exhausted after a late night before. We went upstairs got free coffee and donuts, went around to see who else booked time and eventually started setting up.
About every thirty minutes, a tour would come in and the person leading said tour would invariably put the D-Control into "Vegas Mode." The interruptions weren't too annoying for the most part, especially once Stewey told one of the groups "Oh, yeah, Vegas Mode is broken."
For those of you that don't know, "Vegas Mode" is a completely useless setting on the D-Control mix-console, where you push a button and the all the lights on the board start flashing like it's fucking a fucking pinball machine under a Christmas tree on the fourth of July. This setting exists only for the sales floor.
me: HAHA!
Dave: After that they would just look through the glass in the door and move on.
me: Stewey... So what's in the instrument rig this time around? I remember in For The Kids you were using a Strat into a Muff into a Fender amp. There was a wah, too, wasn't there?
Dave: That session was recorded with my cheap-ass $100 Jay Turser acoustic that I bought for busking.
me: The same acoustic from the Krakoa sessions?
Dave: Yeah. My normal set up is: MIM Strat -> Dunlop Crybaby -> EH Big Muff -> Danelectro Fab Tone -> EH Electric Mistress Flanger -> Danelectro Pepperoni Phaser -> Ampeg SS70-C 2x10 combo amp.
me: What are you, a tap dancer? You need to lose some pedals, B.
Dave: For a while I was using an A/B/Y box into a dual 15-band rack EQ, but I did away with that once I realized it would be easier to do any of that during mixing. The "normal" setup is a hold over from when I would play live. Most of the time when I'm recording it's just one or two pedals at a time. The bass is an OLP (Officially Licensed Product) Brand knock-off of a Music Man Stingray 5-string. As I don't have a bass amp, it's always recorded direct.
me: You pussy; just sign out the amp from the tech room. They won't know.
Dave: I've done that before, but that amp is such a piece of shit anymore that I don't even bother with it. I do like the SansAmp DI for getting some interesting sounds.
me: When can we hear the fruits of your labors?
Dave: Robert's coming over to my apartment tomorrow and I'll get the session from him, then I'll probably book some time for this week or next week to record the electric guitars and bass. Then I need to figure out what I'm going to do about the drums. I'll post it to my music MySpace page and probably post a bulletin and blog about it. I'm also going to do the final mix of "New Wave Troubadour," though mostly that is not going to change much from the rough mix. What an awkwardly worded sentence...
me: No that's fine. I'm still looking at my list of standardized questions. What separates this from FTK / Widowmaker Jones? Besides Todd.
Dave: Ninety-nine percent of the songs are not about one fucked up ending of a relationship. That and they're all reggae tunes. Just kidding.
me: Okay, pick out your top 5 bands or your top five records, it's up to you.
Dave: Damn, I hope you have a while for me to think.
me: I'm doing nothing but drinking right now. It's Friday. I'm allowed to.
Dave: Cool
me: You should come help me with this case.
Dave: Maybe after I finish up some laundry. Okay, well first off, I'm just going to get a T-Shirt that says, "Fuck you, I like Oasis."
me: Heh.
Dave: As for a favorite album (I'm cross-pollinating here, hope you don't mind), one of them would have to be "In the Aeroplane Over the Sea" by Neutral Milk Hotel. Some of the greatest songwriting in history.
[A while later.] me: Jeeze-Louise, don't strain yourself. People don't really read this thing.
Dave: I'm just trying to remember a quote that I wanted to reference. Screw it. It's one of those cases that reminds me of a great quote, I'm probably horribly misquoting here, but it's something along the lines of "you can tell when something is poetry when you read it and it sends a shiver down your spine." Every time I listen to this record it does that to me during several of the songs.
me: What record? NMH?
Dave: Yeah. Built To Spill is definitely up there, too.
me: Two more...
Dave: Jimi Hendrix was a big one that got me into learning to play guitar beyond the scope of Oasis tunes.
me: One more...
Dave: Ha, Oasis just came on in iTunes.
me: One more...
Dave: For my last pick I think I have to go with Ween. If I could live in any band/artist's shoes it would be these guys. They can make any style of music they want, they put out a full-length country album for pete's sake, and even though they're pigeon-holed as the stoner band, they've written some fucking amazing tunes and don't take themselves too seriously.
me: Okay, five WORST bands. People who've done nothing but butcher music since their inception.
Dave: This will be tough too, I don't know if you know my mantra, but I firmly believe that every band/artist out there has at least one song I can get into. I haven't been proven wrong yet. That said, I'll judge this based on them as a whole, not select diamonds amidst shit.
me: Stop being a pussy.
Dave: Yeah, yeah. Jet comes to mind.
me: Jet? Fuck Jet. Fuck them square in the face.
Dave: I remember talking to my brother about them one day and he was running through all the reasons that they're dog shit and (as is common in my family) I was playing devil's advocate and said the only good quality I could attribute to them "well they are catchy." His response: "Yeah, communism was catchy too."
me: Brilliant. Quit slacking. Four more.
Dave: Creed
me: Ooh, good pick.
Dave: Oh shit, how could I forget? Fucking Three Doors Down!
me: Black Days Down? Two more.
Dave: Yngwie Malmsteen. Fuck him and Vai, Satrianni and all those other wank motherfuckers
me: Who's that band what does "Alcohol and Ass"? Not to influence your decision making process...
Dave: Wasn't it that weird supergroup with dudes from Pantera and Mudvayne?
me: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew. Suck.
Dave: One more right?
me: Yep.
Dave: Probably Foreigner.
me: Foreigner!? I thought you loved Karl.
Dave: Fucking poster boys for wuss-rock.
me: The "Foreigner Belt"!? "Cold As Ice"?
Dave: I accept it as an idiosyncracy, and love Karl despite it. I guess for honorable mention, I don't think he's among the worst, but I cannot figure out how Bruce Springsteen has a career.
me: He's the Boss.
Dave: No, Tony Danza is. Or is it Judith Light? I could never figure out which one it was.
me: Okay, latest listenings. Aside from your all-time favs, what's been in rotation lately?
Dave: Recent listens would be "You Can't Imagine How Much Fun We Are Having" by Atmosphere
me: Is that it? There's got to be more... I know you, Daver.
Dave: I'm thinking. Oh yeah, that DangerDoom record you exposed me to.
me: Good fun.
Dave: The Frank Black and the Catholics is usually in common rotation. I forgot to type "self-title record" in there
me: Keep going.
Dave: I've been trying to get into the new Radiohead record "In Rainbows" but it just hasn't happened yet. I kinda lost touch with them after "O.K. Computer." "The Bends" is still my favorite record from them. Old Crow Medicine Show. A bluegrass/alt-country band.
[Then Dave and I talk some shit I told him wouldn't be in print.]
me: Thanks.
Dave: Cool. See you.

UPDATE 3/28/08 Charlie's Ukrainian Mail Order Bride Fund Raiser

Let's make this quick because I have to leave for work in an hour.
This week, only forty five women from around the globe, as in just go around the globe to the other side, are just desperate enough to get involved with a guy who would probably make more money collecting unemployment.
Phase One: GET RID OF THE BLONDES. You see, I'm kind of having trouble with this one, because lately, I've realized that there's quite a few blondes that I would make an exception for; notably Nicole Kidman's eight foot tall Amazon ass. But rules is rules so...
From forty five we're down to twenty three, bringing us to Phase Two: GET RID OF THE BORING ONES. Do I have any moral qualms with this step? No. No I do not. If a lady fails to excite and stimulate my mind, then what recourse do I have save for just throwing her into file thirteen?
Not to confuse you with numbers or anything, but, yeah, we still had twenty three, but after Phase Two we're left with a scant seven. That brings us to Phase Three: GET RID OF THE UGLY SHOES. The results from that are actually a little disappointing, as we're left with six brides, so you know what that means:

PLAN 9

--> Tatiana the Tailor says she's twenty three and she pulls it off in only one photo. Thanks for playing. OUT.
--> Nataliya the Promoter is a promoter. Somehow this fact slipped through the boring filter, but that could be because promoters aren't generally boring. How do you indicate the nature of a "money-sucking, talentless leech" in adjective form? OUT.
--> Valeriya the Driver looks like my old supervisor, Sharon, the same one that married Joel in Sales. Yeah, I don't get it either. So, could I reasonably bed this woman without thinking of Joel's Lumbergh ass? Eeerrruuuggghhh... I guess I could try. IN.
--> Oksana the Student looks like Scarlett Johansson. While this would normally grant her insies, she's also unemployed which grants her outsies. OUT.
--> Olga the Accountant needs to lay off the collagen injections. OUT.
--> Elena the Manager is out of my fucking league. I like that in a woman. IN.

Let's meet our terrible two.

Like I said, Valeriya kind of looks like Sharon. This doesn't bother me so much as it should bother Joel. You see, what I plan on doing is getting it on with her and taking pictures and leaving them on Joel's desk. The perfect office prank. How could this not work? I ask you.
Elena is the kind of woman I could never take anywhere. I'm not worried about infidelity, I'm worried about people looking at me with a mixture of "lucky bastard" and "what the fuck" on their minds. I would be envied and ridiculed, and while I'm used to being ridiculed, the envied part I'd have trouble dealing with. But it would also be awesome.

Well, I'm running late for work, so if you don't at least SEND MONEY for my women folk, send some love for Downstairs Tom. He tore his quadricep or however you spell it playing soccer yesterday.

Somebody please tell me this is a fucking joke.

Scheduled city: Springfield, IL
Actual city: Chicago, IL
Distance differential: 201 Miles
Previous City ~ Next City
Seriously, somebody please tell me this is a fucking joke.

The kind of band that solves mysteries

---

Reply to: comm-xxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-03-26, 11:46PM CDT


I can't play a single instrument, Oh, god, here we go. but I'm pretty good at coming up with Big Ideas, That's okay, I've had a few myself. and my latest is to form a band, Even though you don't play an instrument. Okay there, Andy Warhol. the kind that goes around solving mysteries. Like Scooby-Doo? We would need to write one or two songs Generally speaking... just generally... bands tend to have, oh, I don't know, MORE than one or two songs. about groovy times About what? and what it's like to be in love, Oh, no. No no no. then the rest of our set/album would present some (scripted) stage banter Scripted stage banter? setting up our characters and a mystery, Uh... some sound effects and incidental music, a couple songs that thicken the plot, maybe a chase scene, A wha? and then a totally rockin' rock song about solving the mystery. Huh?

Ideal bandmates include people who can dress like a teenager of the mid-to-late 60s, the 70s, or 90s grunge, esp. if you know how to play an instrument, Well, you know, you are trying to start a band. And since you don't play an instrument, you kind of need people who do. and people who are good at writing dialog or doing different voices. Been listening to Prairie Home Companion a bit much? Sorry, but if you want to look like a teenager of the 80s you HAVE to be able to play casio keyboards or key-tar, no exceptions. WHAT. TALKING DOGS ESPECIALLY WELCOME! Uuugggeeehhhhhh. @1 What's this thing for?

• Location: Uptown/Chicago
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 620155061

Correction.

Early today I wrote:

To quote Paul Newman in Slapshot: "You know, your son looks like a faggot to me."

I was wrong. The actual line is:

I regret the error.

I know a guy from Iowa. His Dad used to hold his Mom up for keg stands.

Scheduled city: Des Moines, IA
Actual city: Cedar Rapids, IA
Distance differential: 127 Miles
Previous City ~ Next City

Looking for rock band for teenage party

---

Reply to: see below
Date: 2008-03-22, 7:00PM CDT


My son is turning 16 and wants to have a big bash. People actually do this shit? Like, not just in teen movies? And on top of that, they do this in Iowa? Unfornutatly Try to say that five times fast. we're not exactly well off. We're looking for a band to play for little to nothing, I know a few bands that wouldn't mind playing for a case of beer. but good for teen exposure. There's a joke there, I'm sure, I'm just having trouble finding it. He's into popular rock music and some classics too!! To quote Paul Newman in Slapshot: "You know, your son looks like a faggot to me." (mom likes grunge/metal! I really want to make some sort of snide/lewd comment here about what else "Mom" likes, but everything I come up with sounds Oedipal/Freudian. ) Call if you have a band that are availible June 6th and can help us out. And I'm busting out my rolodex, because I want your son to have the best sweet sixteen possible, you just better have a case of beer handy 'cause ScotT can drink. We're renting out a legion hall. I've been to some decent Legion Hall parties.
Angela xxx-xxx-xxxx

• Location: Cedar Rapids area
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 615279433

Quit pimping your kids.

Scheduled city: Jefferson City, MO
Actual city: Jefferson City, MO
Distance differential: 0 Miles
Previous City ~ Next City

I've posted all of two Craigslist ads in my life, but I'm pretty sure you have to be eighteen to throw an ad up. Maybe I'm wrong, but if this kid's parents monitor his webbage, they may have been the ones to put this ad up which is kind of annoying.
Every once in a while, you'll get the parental post; I'm not so sure this is one of them, as it looks pretty un-proof-read. Just the same: Who wants to call this kid up and have to deal with his parents?

Heavy Metal Guitarist

---

Reply to: xxxxxxxx@hotmail.com
Date: 2008-03-20, 3:10PM CDT


I'm a guitarist looking to join or start a band. Preferably 2 guitarist, 1 bass, 1 drum, Which drum? Kick? Snare? One of those sissy roto-toms? and 1 vocalist. i'm 15 Oh, for crying out loud. and transportation is limited but could get somewhere atleast 1-2 times a week. I live 30 miles from Columbia, and 15 from Boonville. I am very serious in what I do. How serious can you be when you're in high school? I love to play and play every kind of metal. You're not old enough to know "every kind" of metal. Lead or Rhythm, I am good in both. You can email me at xxxxxxxx@hotmail.com or call xxx-xxx-xxxx.

• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 612032048

How I Spent my Easter Vacation.

Remember when it was still called Easter Vacation? You know, back in elementary school. And then at some point it was decided that we should take the name of the holiday out and college kids should migrate like monarch butterflies to Daytona, FL to get drunk and participate in Girls Gone Wild videos.
Nothing says dignified like exposing your breasts for cheap, plastic beads.
Anyway, my time was probably a lot more fulfilling though, to some of you, it may seem a lot more boring.
Saturday: I spent time getting to know my record collection a little more intimately as I cataloged it on the site Rate Your Music, then I went the extra step and registered KRAKOA on the site. Eventually I wound up doing two things from that (because I'm sure you're interested): Tracking down a copy of Babes In Toyland's Spanking Machine and realizing what horrible judgment I have when I traded in Bjork records that I gave a higher rating to than NIN records I don't even like and have kept around. So, for all intents and purposes, NIN's All That Could Have Been, Mars Volta's De-Loused in the Comatorium, and Beastie Boy's Ill Communication are all now in George's possession. She likes that stuff.
Sunday: Recording. The last time we talked about this, I went into no small amount of detail about how I was going to record things from now on, and it works. It takes an extra step or two, but the results are worth it, especially since I'm the only guy that has to deal with it.
I also went the extra mile to play around with the bass set-up, and see what I could do with a DI.

Generally, I'm not big on the DI, but I figured I ought to try it out a few more times a few more ways to see what I could get out of it. After all, I'm limited as it is, I may as well give myself a few more options, and the DI doesn't hurt. It's not what I reach for when I first think "bass", but it is an option that actually works better than my Chrysler sub-kick. Don't get me wrong: the Chrysler works great, it just happens to be really blurry on bass. If I wasn't limited to two inputs (Louie and Richard) on the computer, you can bet your ass I'd be throwing it in the mix.
As things stand, even though I use the four-track as a pre, the computer is the end point for the audio and that offers only two tracks. So I could either try to mix as I track, which isn't the best idea with how little (read: zero) isolation the geography of the house offers, or I could simply find the best two sounds I can use at the moment.
As far as the vocals went, I used the little airplane bathroom (aka "The Cave of Despair") off the kitchen as a vocal booth which offered tight reflections and a nice little hide-y hole for me where I didn't run the risk of having to look at anybody whilst screaming bloody murder wearing a pair of headphones.
It is a tight fit in there, meaning the mic had to be secured to a guitar stand set on top of the sink. Seeing this clumsy set-up, I actually said out loud to myself, "That's going to fall in the toilet." So what do I do? I close the lid, of course. I then walked out to the living room to run a cable and I heard a racket from "the cave". I turned to see that the apparatus had indeed made a face-plant into the recently closed toilet lid. I then said out loud to myself, "I knew it." Foresight never felt so good. My Audio-Technica does not smell like pee-pee.
After it was all said and done, my voice was completely blown and the skin on my left hand fingers was shredded, therefore, I made Georgie place the call for the Chinese food.
Next step: hauling my rig down to Daver's. I need to record some Wurlitzer. I should probably confer with Daver on that...
Daver, I need to come down and record some Wurlitzer. Call me.
Done and done.

Regarding my letter to the U.S. Army...

Just so you know, I had every intention of sending off yesterday's open letter to the Army Reserve recruiter until I remembered Wednesday's broadcast of The Story on NPR. It featured a young man, in the middle of his PhD work, who hadn't been a member of the Reserves for (I think it was) four years and was being called back into active duty.
When our government is that fucked up, you can bet your ass I'm going to seriously reconsider fucking with them directly. Call me chicken shit if you want, but I have no desire to fuck with somebody who has access to very detailed records of me, therefore I decided to instead post my reply to their recruiter as a sort of open letter.
Of course, a lot of you know me, and you can of course call bullshit on a lot of the embellishments I threw into the mix; half-truths I used to fuck with the guy. Just so everybody is on the same page though, I will now point these embellishments out.


As far as jazz goes, I've played with small ensembles. Technically.
I once made the mistake of joining a disco-funk band for about a week, then I found out that it was a disco-funk band and I realized that I did, indeed, need to retain some dignity and not delude myself into thinking I was really that much into K.C. and the Sunshine band or whatever other white-boy parody/fantasy of good music it was that those guys were into. I quit because I was sick of them telling me to turn my guitar down when I couldn't hear it even while standing next to the amp.
The honors band kids in high school? I got on with them alright, one of the trombonists was pretty cute... That would be Toni Martinez; I had a crush on her.
The drug free bit? I have been for close to four years now... Not exactly.
... I took four hits of some of the finest Canadian acid to ever implode some poor young'un's brain... It was really just one. Filthy Phil took four.
... most people who've never ingested a decent amount of real mind-bending toxins are boring and fairly unadventurous at their instruments, anyhow. Not so, Daver's never touched dope in his life.
Only reason I know is that my old man used to give us kids the regulation haircut every summer. Well, they were really just buzzcuts.
I will more than likely anger my superiors to the point of violence and then I will let them beat the shit out of me so I can get a nice long stay in a military hospital. I'm not trying to be an asshole, I just know what I'm capable of: Taking a beating for the money, and the resultant charges I would press with all of two teeth left in my mushy skull would be more than enough to pay off Sallie Mae. You know what? I'm just desperate enough to try that.
I've done things for money that would turn your guts upside down... Not exactly. I made out with a chick with horrible acne for a burger once, though.
... after all, I used to be a drug addict. That's a fuck of a stretch.
I once breast fed off a cat. It's true, ask my ex-girlfriend. It is true, but I didn't do it for money. I did it because it's harder than it sounds to entertain a group of ten year olds.
Long and short of it is, I do a number of things for a living, one of which is a perfectly capable, highly skilled musician on several instruments. Even I laugh at this, as I think my life-time grand total income from music since I've been playing is probably somewhere under US$300
The second one is as a watchdog regarding advertising... Sort of. Clicking the ads on this page makes me money, but I'm not living off of it. In fact, Google has yet to cut me a check. Also, "watchdog"? No. More like "bored guy."
Granted, I'm not going to join the military anytime soon, but I'm glad you're there. To the extent that they serve to protect us, not to the extent that they go out and just bomb the shit out of some impoverished nation for oil.
I don't agree with the vast majority of the executive orders you guys get, nor do I blame you for them. I also think that they have the option to leave the flock whenever they'd like, thereby negating any shared responsibility in this Iraq mess.
You're doing your job, and the guy at the very very top is a blithering, mouth-breathing troglodyte. And the thing about jobs is: When your boss is an asshole, it's time to find another line of work.
... as long as a chunk of my taxes go to military funding, I feel privy to make a suggestion here and there... Remember this, and always remember this: YOU pay the military.

3/21/08 UPDATE Charlie's Ukrainian Mail Order Bride Fund Raiser

Let's make this quick, kids, I was up until a quarter after two fuc- err- making slow, sweet love to me old lady only to turn around and wake up at twenty after seven. I'm not in the mood, you're not in the mood, and not one of the fifty four women throwing themselves at me, immigration papers in hand, is in the mood.
Matthew Broderick turns forty six years old today. Happy birthday, Ferris! In honor of your birthday, we're going to name Phase One for your wife, since your wife is blonde. We're calling this one "Nuh-uh Jessica Parker".
From fifty four we're down to twenty five, and that brings us to Phase Two, which we'll rename for one of your movies. Let's call it "The Boring Guy". (They can't all be gold, kids.)

Stop! You know how last week I went on a tear about not lying about your age? Okay, take a look at Alesya; does she look twenty four to you? You see what I'm talking about? This is what I have to work with. You can't exactly base a relationship on a lie, not unless your name is Karl Uhde. You see, Karl got all cowboy'd up with Marty a few months back then met a girl at the bar, told her he was from Texas, and the one-night stand turned into a big ol' clusterfuck of commitment. Essentially, they're still dating and she's still under the impression that Karl is a dyed-in-the-wool cowboy, which he isn't. I doubt Karl's ever seen a cow.

From twenty five we're down to fifteen. On to Phase Three which we'll name after your 1993 voice work in a sleeper flick for kids, retitled thusly: "The Princess needs to find a new Cobbler". Well, we just cobbled the shit out of eight ladies, thereby knocking us down to seven gals.
That's a bit too many women, so we're on to PLAN 9, which can never not be PLAN 9, but alas Matthew Broderick, it is your birthday, so today, we'll go with the closest thing to come to PLAN 9 in your body of work, which is, of course,

GODZILLA.

GODZILLA is an easy game to play; it works similar to PLAN 9, save for a simple variation. That variation is that we've named this step GODZILLA. No, really the variation is: "Who does this person look like, and would they make me cry after coitus?"

• Olga the Accountant says she will not hide from love. I don't know what that means, but it kind of scares me. Would I cry? No, probably not; she looks like a missionary position lady. Add to that that we couldn't share a smoke afterwards because she's straight edge. OUT.
• Evgenia the Manager says: "My future husband is the one, who doesn`t have bad habits, who is emotionally stable, whom I can rely on, healthy, calm, who has family values." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! OUT.
• Nataliya the Secretary says: "I hate lice." Wow, I really can't argue against that. Considering she was probably drunk when she came up with that gem, I'd say that's a big "+". I'm having trouble pin-pointing a comparable face, but really. Really. IN.
• Nina the Accountant has creepy cat eyes. Our divorcee has been drinking since the split, and she has this look on her face that says she would twist me into a pretzel. IN.
• Oksana the Manager has done the unthinkable: She's pulled off the "sexy vampiress" look unintentionally, thereby, following logic, not overdoing it. If you've ever watched more than three vampire movies, particularly the old school Italian ones from the 70s, you know that vampiresses will fuck you up in the sack, B. Sure, they'll also drink your blood and damn you to a life of eternity that can be ended only in a handful of grisly, meaning (following logic again) painful, manners: Impalement followed by beheading is one, and gettin' blowed up by the sun is another. FUCK. THAT. You're got-damn right I'll cry. IN.
• Nataliya the Accountant looks like a baby-faced Agent Scully. I'd bang Agent Scully as soon as the next guy would, but not when she looks fourteen. OUT.
• Please welcome back to the game, Marina the Stylist. Marina was one of the eight bajillion hopefuls a few weeks back in that giant clusterfuck from my fake profile. Now she wants the real me. That's right, honey, they all eventually want the real me. She says: "My hobby is to make you the happiest man ever!" Then you will make me weep afterwards. IN.

Let's meet our Fantastic Four.

Nataliya... How can you argue with her?
Nina. Nina Nina. Nina Nina Nina. I'm worried. How can you look at those crazy cat eyes and not think something bad will happen in the boudoir? Nina's gonna fuck you up to the point where you'll need a workman's comp claim.
Oksana looks innocent enough, but look a little closer. Do you think she meant to wear all black? With a v-neck and big pointy collar? There's something "vampirific" there (when you read the word "vampirific", imagine me using my "gay" voice), which is A-OK 100% by me. Yes, werewolves are way fucking cooler than vampires, but that's only when it comes to guys. I don't think I can get down with my old lady turning into a, well, technically a bitch every month and then on top of that, at the other end of the month, turning into a wolf! Oh, SHIT! I went there!
Marina the Stylist. I still think her name means "boat parking lot", because it does mean "boat parking lot", and hot damn, that's what counts: Names that mean things. And even though she's a stylist, she says: "Appearance doesnt play the main role for me..." Honey, thanks for playing; you may fool yourself but you don't fool me.

And as we come to the close of our Matthew Broderick birthday party, I'd like you all to sit back, relax, close your eyes, and imagine a slow motion montage of all the best scenes from his movies set to the tune of "Memories". When you come to, I'd like you to reflect on what you've learned across the years thanks to Matthew Broderick's movies and wisdom. Call your mother. Talk to her over a cup of tea. Ask her for money like you always do so that you in turn can SEND MONEY!

Charlie Takes On The U.S. Military.

Guitar, Trombone, French Horn and Clarinet Players anted

---

Reply to: job-612795773@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-03-20, 2:45PM CDT


1. The 34th ID Band has room for any highly qualified soldier-musician. The critical shortages at this time are Guitar, Trombone, French Horn and Clarinet. Your one weekend a month will be performing in the band. The unit is interested in talking with any interested potential candidate.
KEY QUALITIES
In a successful Band member

You MUST be drug free!

• Knows what you mean when you say “all major and minor scales.”
• Has a diverse musical experience and has played in all or some of the following:
-Concert Band
-Jazz Band
-Marching Band
-Brass or Woodwind Choir
• Has had private lessons with a professional teacher on their instrument
• Has been selected and/or participated in some of the following:
-All-State Band/Jazz Band/Orchestra
-Intercollegiate Honors Band
-All District Honors Band
-State Solo and Ensemble Contest
• Is considering being, or is, a Music Major in College
• Is planning on continuing to play their instrument past high school
• Plays first chair in Band and has been a featured soloist

We also pay for 100% of your COLLEGE TUITION to get your degree, and offer signing bonuses to qualified candidates. We pay up to $20,000.00 of your outstanding student loans as well. The Minnesota Army National Guard NEEDS YOUR HELP TODAY. Work one weekend a month and two weeks per year, keep your current job, go to school, or get a better job with the training, experience and references we give you. YOU CAN, do the best thing for yourself, be a true hero today! Up to $20-$60,000.00 in signing bonus available for some positions if you qualify to be hired today.

• Location: MN Locations
• Compensation: $35,000.00 +
• Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
• Phone calls about this job are ok.
• Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

PostingID: 612795773




Yeah, I'm a guitar player.
I'm also an autodidact, so I've never needed a lesson in my life. The major and minor scales are fairly easy to figure out, and from there you have the modes, and then yada yada yada, you get me... Sevenths, ninths, suspended fourths... meh, they aint hard to figure out.
I've never played in concert or jazz bands, but I have played Afro-Cuban beat, punk, trip-hop, and metal. As far as jazz goes, I've played with small ensembles. I once made the mistake of joining a disco-funk band for about a week, then I found out that it was a disco-funk band and I realized that I did, indeed, need to retain some dignity and not delude myself into thinking I was really that much into K.C. and the Sunshine band or whatever other white-boy parody/fantasy of good music it was that those guys were into. I think they went on to form a Beatles cover band before I heard the drummer had a nervous breakdown and moved to California for the medical pot.
The honors band kids in high school? I got on with them alright, one of the trombonists was pretty cute, but she wound up dating some tuba guy. Me? I didn't join my high school band because I was too busy getting high and listening to the Misfits. Ah, c'est la vie, I suppose. Besides, they played all that John Phillip Sousa malarkey and I really preferred things like Big Black and Melvins and Jesus Lizard. Nobody else in my high school really dug it; I'm not just talking about the cheerleaders, either; the marching band kids hated it, but what did they know? They listened to Korn. Egh! So, all this weird high school stuff you're mentioning, that was a long time ago, and I had none of it.
The drug free bit? I have been for close to four years now, but I've got quite the history with illegal narcotics and I know that weirds some people out because not everybody finds drug stories funny. It took me a while to find it within me to laugh at the time I took four hits of some of the finest Canadian acid to ever implode some poor young'un's brain and my friend Ryan peed on my leg. I was mad at him for a while, but I can laugh at that, now. I can also understand how some would see this as a bad influence on the straight edge kids, but then most people who've never ingested a decent amount of real mind-bending toxins are boring and fairly unadventurous at their instruments, anyhow. As an example: Jimi Hendrix ate a veritable mountain of pills for breakfast every day and came back for seconds. DC Talk like Jesus, which, in most jurisdictions, automatically forbids them from touching anything stronger than baby aspirin. Now, be honest: Who made cooler music? The fact that Hendrix is dead is irrelevant; in fact, it's probably for the best as he never even approached his "shark jumping" moment. But, yeah, I used to smoke opium like the US was two seconds away from bombing its chief exporter.
And that brings us to the next part. Let's just cut the formalities, okay? We're both adults. When I first encountered the ad I'm responding to, I imagined some bearded, pony-tailed, overweight, liberal arts motherfucker that refers to gay porn as homoeroticism and straight porn as misogyny. You know the guy, the guy who talks through the movie about all this subcontextual imagery in "the film", hangs out in coffee houses, doesn't own a single rock and roll record, lives in the suburbs, is flourescently caucasian but claims to relate to the urban-whachamacallem's in 2 Live Crew songs? Yeah, that guy, I thought you were that guy, or at least the dreadlocked receptionist he was dictating to. But no. You are the United States military. You are probably sitting in a very neat and orderly office. You wear a uniform to work. You take pride in your appearance, and if you were a branch of the USAF, I'm fairly certain you're sporting a 35-10 haircut. I don't know, does the US ARMY do the 35-10 thing, too? Only reason I know is that my old man used to give us kids the regulation haircut every summer.
Anyway, I was halfway ready to apply for this position, prepared to have to put up with some whiny fuck-wit yapping at me about Charles Mingus and what not because I saw the bit about paying off my tuition or, as it is in my case, my student loans. Some factories do this. Some large corporations do this. I was prepared to have to put up with the ramblings of an insecure, effeminate malcontent because if there's anything I can do with an insecure, effeminate malcontent, it's show him that my dick's bigger than his and the argument over Louis Armstrong is thus terminated. I'm right, he's wrong, he can go back to contemplating Nabokov over his bowl of bean sprouts in his office cluttered with the Marxist literature strewn about, covering his Foucault and Lacan texts, and I can go back to pretending that I'm really interested in writing whatever bullshit "grant proposal" it is he's having me write that week. Bing bing bing.
It is precisely my absolute abhorrence of most authority figures, not just our catch-all whiny pussy example as detailed above, that leads me to believe that, despite the attractive US$20K, I am not a good fit for the U.S. military, even on a part-time status. I will not take orders. I will not march. I will not drill. I won't do push-ups. Sorry, I just have a natural aversion to exercise; I'm lazy. I'm also a moody, cranky, little bastard.
I won't peel potatoes or whatever other Bugs Bunny-esque example of punishment or discipline you will hand me, though I am confident your organization could come up with something better. I will not scrub the toilets with my own toothbrush. I will more than likely anger my superiors to the point of violence and then I will let them beat the shit out of me so I can get a nice long stay in a military hospital. I'm not trying to be an asshole, I just know what I'm capable of: Taking a beating for the money, and the resultant charges I would press with all of two teeth left in my mushy skull would be more than enough to pay off Sallie Mae. I've done things for money that would turn your guts upside down, after all, I used to be a drug addict. I once breast fed off a cat. It's true, ask my ex-girlfriend.
Long and short of it is, I do a number of things for a living, one of which is a perfectly capable, highly skilled musician on several instruments. The second one is as a watchdog regarding advertising, and I gotta tell ya, you ought to lower your standards a wee bit. You're aiming too high, really. As I imagine that arms training is part of your program, do you really want a bunch of eighteen year old band geeks sitting around thinking about cleaning out their spit valves when they're supposed to be focusing on the assembly of an AR-15? Eighteen year olds are lazy enough as it is. Throwing musicians into the mix? That can't be easy. Make this recruit your "break" recruit. Nice and easy. Look up some Godsmack fans.
Granted, I'm not going to join the military anytime soon, but I'm glad you're there. I don't agree with the vast majority of the executive orders you guys get, nor do I blame you for them. You're doing your job, and the guy at the very very top is a blithering, mouth-breathing troglodyte. But, as long as a chunk of my taxes go to military funding, I feel privy to make a suggestion here and there, starting with letting the band geeks be. Seeing as how we're both adults, let's drop the niceties: The sheer amount of chronic masturbation over the female cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation would be... "embarrassing" doesn't seem to cover that scenario. And they'll do that. That's what they do. They masturbate.
The whole point is, the ad left me feeling a bit cheated.
So, no hard feelings, I hope. Semper Fi or whatever it is you guys use. Me? I normally just say, "Have a good one," so,
Have a good one,
Charlie

From the state that yielded our horniest president.

Scheduled city: Little Rock, AR
Actual city: Little Rock, AR
Distance differential: 0 Miles
Previous City ~ Next City
I don't care what anybody says, this is fucking cool.

Organist Needed

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Reply to: comm-xxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-03-18, 6:40PM CDT


Do you like baseball? Can you play the organ? Well if so, we have the job for you. The Arkansas Travelers are looking for an organist for all 70 home games. If interested, contact Chris at xxx.xxx.xxxx.

• Location: Little Rock, AR
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 610716926

Tiger Gang, 3/17/08 OR Where to begin? Where to begin?

Last night marked the first party I've been to in a while, and I went for the express purpose of seeing Tiger Gang play the basement show.
It didn't exactly happen.
Tiger Gang was originally supposed to play at midnight, then 2300CDT, so I says I does, "Hey, great, I can go to the show and still get plenty of sleep in order to make it to my meaningless desk-jockey job!"
Yyeeahh, about that...
You see, John Ashe, or however you spell his name, got a bunch of bands on the bill, as it were, and one of them was none other than Black Days Down. I know I've referenced the magnitude of suck that I think BDD exhibits, but I've never gone into detail. When you go to their myspace page, which I will not be linking to because it would mean having to hear them, there is the standard little music player that, while I'm sure represents a total spectrum of frequencies, yields the psycho-acoustic effect of a dentist's drill set on "slow" directly hitting the part of the eye that connects to the optic nerve. You know what I'm talking about: emo posing as nu-metal.
What's even funnier is that BDD's music yields the same effect even when you are separated by an entire floor and roughly sixty underage drunk kids packed into a house the size of most Super Eight rooms. I didn't know that that was possible, so, thank you, John Ashe, for having not only horrible taste in music but also an unwavering dedication to acoustic sciences.
I ran into Tony and Ali from Tiger Gang nearly literally as I wiped fog from my glasses and, since I knew Tony, got to know a bit about Ali, who was kind enough to inform me that I was indeed not the oldest guy at the party. That title belonged to Tiger Gang's drummer: an old, decrepit looking bastard; you know the guy: he's in his forties, dresses like he's in his twenties, seems way out of place at all ages clubs, goes to his niece's quinceanera to pick up chicks... That guy.
So, we eventually move downstairs where the prog-metal band starts setting up and that shit takes forever. It's fucking torturous. I've never seen a band need so long to set up their equipment, and the majority of the setup time was constituted by our gracious hosts wondering how in hell to set up the synth with cables that clearly weren't long enough, nor were they ever going to be long enough, nor was any "tech guy" but one all that concerned with finding cables that were long enough. Maybe I'm oversimplifying this shit, but, really, just move the keyboard to the other side of the stage.
The prog metal band starts sound checking about 2330CDT and playing at 2345CDT. I could hear it outside where me and the young two-thirds of Tiger Gang had decided to get some fresh air away from the San Francisco fog of cigarettes, the banal banter of nineteen year old girls who obviously take my nationality as a huge fucking drunk joke once a year, and the large phalanx of black-hoodied mohawks who wouldn't know real hardcore if a dick with a Black Flag tattoo got rammed up their ass.
That's when Andy Reyerson, the guitarist from Black Throw-Up Down My Trousers, one dumb motherfucker, decided to inform me from afar that I was a bitch and I had a fag beard. In retrospect, I probably should have offered to let him suck my dick or some other insult that would challenge his misogyny and homophobia, something like, "Hey, Andy, how'd you like to give a rimjob to a real guitarist?"
Ali went downstairs to check out the prog-metal band and returned shortly thereafter claiming they actually made him laugh involuntarily. He then described the sound, which didn't sound prog to me in the least. Real prog is bands like Gentle Giant. Ali's description of these guys made them seem like Gentle Dish Detergent, the same watered-down chug-chugga-chug-chug-weedle-de-weedle-de-wee that passes for metal anymore, the same ball-less, soul-less, unimaginative carnival of mediocre crapola that screams "radio worthy".
The evening ended with Tony, at midnight, a scant fifteen minutes into the offending mockery of quality band's set, telling me I was a pussy for the eighth or ninth time because I couldn't stick around for Tiger Gang, who probably didn't get to go on until 0100CDT, anyhow, because, anymore, if a band bills themselves as prog-metal, it means every song is twelve minutes and they can't look at themselves in the mirror in the morning to coif their faux-hawks unless they play all ten of their bullshit compositions.
However, I plan on seeing Tiger Gang on April 20, because at least then I have plenty of time to request the morning off from work.
I left Tiger Gang behind, wishing them to have a good set, and the cops decided to do a couple roll-bys on me as I trudged down the wet concrete.
Oh, and because I told Ali I would quote him: "Tiger Gang is better than sex!" I kind of doubt that, because I've had sex, but they are, indeed, quality.

Red Stick

Scheduled city: Baton Rouge, LA
Actual city: Baton Rouge, LA
Distance differential: 0 Miles
Previous City ~ Next City
Oh, how I love this person.

Need/want a tambourine player?

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Reply to: comm-xxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-03-17, 6:29AM CDT


I am a tambourine player looking for band to jam with.. I am not really looking for anything long term, I just want to rock out on my tambourine with a band..just once, unless you dig me and want me around forever because I am that badass and fun. Right now I am limited to playing in my room and in the car. Thanks :)

• Location: Baton Rouge
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 608815898

Right in time for SXSW.

Scheduled city: Austin, TX
Actual city: Round Rock, TX
Distance differential: 18 1/2 Miles
Previous City ~ Next City

"Dcall" Wants a band will settle for a good Guitar player!

---

Reply to: comm-xxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-03-15, 3:24AM CDT


If you're a band and want a dictatorship, let me know... Right off the fucking bat! "If you are a completely insular and cohesive collective of like-minded musician and you are all very willing to be told what the fuck to do..." What the fuck kind of bullshit is this? Really, I could very well do an entire entry on that one sentence alone. Does this guy seriously think he's just going to find a pre-assembled band that hangs around waiting for some asshole to lord over them? She-it. Like to get a band but at this point I think I could swing it with a guitar player.. So, wait, if he can't take the whole band he'll settle with just the guitar player... ... ... I think my brain just took a shit in my brain; I've never- I- really. 5th CD is done.. So what? You know how many CDs I've made? Your prolificness doesn't mean squat. about done with CD #6 I could go into asking how you're doing it without a band, but I'm afraid of that whole brain-shitting-in-itself thing happening again. Want to gig a bit.. I can't really front on this. KRAKOA has been a recording project for close to a year now. Got a day job, That's good. Most adults have jobs. hope you do to! looking for 20's, 30's 40's 50's + I'd recommend Jolly Joe, but no. with a day job.. He's retired. This is for fun.. Okay, and the recap: You want a whole, pre-assembled band that you can boss around but it's okay if all you get is one guy, you've committed your time to producing a half-dozen CDs, you're open to playing with somebody over 50, but all this effort is just for fun. Just for fun. Fun... Wow. If you like my tunes and are intrested let me know.. call xxx-xxxx
Thanks
Check out all tunes at soundclick.. The link is on my web page. Click the play button to hear songs.. http://chipos.com

• Location: Round Rock
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 606858514

3/14/08 UPDATE Charlie's Ukrainian Mail Order Bride Fund Raiser

This week has been a slow week for love. Only thirty eight women are desperate enough to be stuffed into a condom and swallowed in order to get over the border.
Let's just get right down to business, let's GET RID OF THE BLONDES.
Now, what the hell kind of happy horseshit is this?
Somewhere, right now, a lonely, lonely man in his 30s and his mother's basement is masturbating over the allure of domestic bliss, a woman who will clean up after him, just like his mother. It never dawns on this asshole that there is indeed a definition for the word "oedipal" as he spits in his hand for the fourth time.
Really, I don't know how it works in the Ukraine, but can someone please tell them that we left the 1950s about fifty years ago, and that there is absolutely no sensible reason for anybody to ever be aroused by this unless their name is Ward Cleaver. And even Ward Cleaver should have gotten up off his ass and helped out around the house.
Man, fuck the Ukraine.
From thirty eight we are down to twenty seven, so on to happy hour, GOODBYE TO BORING.
Okey-dokey, gettin' serious again. Ladies, stop lying about your age. We're not stupid over here. Yes, there are a lot of us dumb enough to let our government kill us over oil, but we're otherwise not easily fooled. If you don't look twenty seven, don't say you're twenty seven. It happens three or four times a week I run into a woman who's trying to shave a decade or two off her age, and it's kind of pathetic the lengths they'll go to.
This is why, you crazy Ukrainian ladies, I want to let you in on a little something. Over here, in the States, we have these things called Milfs. Granted, the origin of the Milf is surrounded in stupidity, but that the notion of the Milf exists has made it okay, nay, preferable for older women to have sex.
Look at Larisa. Larisa caught my eye because I thought she was going to say some dumb shit like "I'm 23!" But, no. No. Larisa comes right the fuck out and says she's forty one. She aint fucking around worrying about whether some United States jerk off will find her desirable. NO! She's coming right the fuck out and saying, "This is me, motherfucker! And if you don't want me, I have a seventeen year old daughter you can take a crack at."
That's right, I took it there.
You know what's really creepy? As we're winding down on phase two, I run across a woman who bares a striking resemblance to my Aunt Bub and I immediately wondered, "What the fuck is Aunt Bub doing in the Ukraine?" Then I was like, "Oh."
From twenty seven we've knocked it down to nine, so let's go get something to eat, I'm fucking starving, and GET RID OF THE UGLY SHOES.
From nine we've dropped to seven, so I'll call you a cab in the morning, on to PLAN 9.
--> I am certain that Anastasia looks like somebody, but I can't figure out who. Whoever that person is, I would have sex with them. Because that's what I do. IN.
--> Natali looks like Maria de Medeiros. Maria de Medeiros played Bruce Willis's old lady in Pulp Fiction and Anais Nin in Henry and June. Natali looks like her, but with a mohawk and receding hairline. OUT.
--> There's a reason why Galina looks like someone I went to high school with: She looks like she's in high school. OUT.
--> Alena looks like one of those old, old photographs. She's young looking, but how she's got her hair and makeup done.. It's natural, not done for effect. Speaking of effect, hers is the only photo where you can honestly get away with that sepia-tone bullshit and not look like a you're some sort of damnable idiot with no sense of aesthetics. IN.
--> Nadejda? Somehow slipped through the boring filter. OUT.
--> Tatiana kind of falls between a Phoebe Cates and Winona Ryder. I'd do that, wouldn't you? IN.
--> Inna the Manicure Master (seriously, that's what she put down as occupation) has creepy teeth. No. OUT.
There's really nothing I can alliterate with "three" but there are three. Let's meet them!

Anastasia is a non-religious manager who enjoys "Arabic dancing". She says she's "ready to relocate", just like on a job application. Marrying me doesn't pay much and there are few benefits.
Alena is an interpreter and is quadruple-lingual: Russian, English, German, and French, which means that when I fuck up, I can get cussed out four different ways. She doesn't drink or smoke and loves inanimate objects.
Tatiana the Pharmacist is just adorable. Check out her introductory line: "Did you want to meet such charming, cheerful, respectful, loving and tender lady? You have met her!" She closes the whole thing with: "If your heart is full of hopes, if your soul is waiting for the new meeting and you are ready to start this wonderful romantic adventure - you are my choice!" She ought to pursue a career in advertising.

Of course, I am prevented from actually meeting any of these fine ladies unless you SEND MONEY!

Oooooooo-klahoma, where the something something blah blah blah.

Scheduled city: Oklahoma City, OK
Actual city: Oklahoma City, OK
Distance differential: 0 Miles
Previous City ~ Next City

Want to play music people actually WANT to listen to?

---

Reply to: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx@gmail.com
Date: 2008-03-11, 7:44PM CDT


Drummer and rhythm guitar/singer looking to bring in the following musicians:

- Lead Guitar
- Bass Player
- Keyboardist (female preferably)

Here's the deal. People go to clubs and bars to hear music that they grew up with and that they know. No, lemmings do that, but continue. There's nothing more fun than watching the crowd move to a song that they know. I can think of a few things: Getting laid, taking a Chevy Caprice over a set of railroad tracks at 110MPH, a Snickers bar... You see it when you start playing that classic (disco, Like Gloria Gaynor. 80's hair band Wwhhaa?? or classic Classic classic?) song and that shocked look comes over their face, Like that infomercial where that guy is trying to trim his ear hair with a razor, nicks himself, and pulls the blade away with this look on his face that screams, "I can't believe it didn't work!" they mouth the words, "I LOVE this song!" Because they are drunk. You know how many songs I love when I drink? Then you see the guys doing "air guitar" I have never seen this outside of those 70s rock compilation infomercials. Yeah, I've seen a lot of infomercials. and the women start grinding... My ex would grind to the absolute worst music and she happens to be the last woman I've ever seen grind to anything, so if that serves as a frame of reference for what kind of music you're playing, no fucking thanks. THAT'S the band that people remember! No, that's the band the manager remembers to call up when the jukebox is broken.

We're not playing to attract record labels, Fair enough. we're not trying to win any "Battle of the Bands" Sensible. but we will be one of the funnest, tightest, party bands Oh, SHIT! that has an absolute blast and that people HAVE FUN at our shows. It's not your music, therefore it's technically not your show.

What type of songs?

- Jessie's Girl/Rick Springfield "Jessie's Girl" : Rick Springfield :: "Smells Like Teen Spirit" : Nirvana
- Jenny 867-5309/Tommy Tutone We've been through this. No normal person likes this song. Hipsters like this song and they like this song because it's "ironic". There is absolutely no reason whatsoever to believe that there is any validity to this bullshit. Grow a pair and stop watching 80s teen sex romps.
- September/Earth, Wind and Fire Never heard of it.
- Should I Stay/The Clash Come on. At least do "Rock the Casbah".
- Get Down Tonight/KC and the Sunshine band Who doesn't like this song?
- Blister in the Sun/Violent Femmes You pussy. Play "Add It Up".
- Jump/Van Halen SHIT! NO! FUCK!
- Another one bites the dust/Queen Look, can everybody just stop covering Queen. Unless you have a voice like Freddie Mercury, which I doubt, you should not cover Queen. There are lines drawn, y'know.
- Back in Black/AC/DC No, no, no, no, no. Now you're just catering.
- You Shook Me All Night Long/AC/DC Now you're just pandering.
- Bust A Move/Young MC Now you're just trying to play a twelve year old's birthday party in 1997.
- I Want You Back/Jackson 5 There is nothing creepier than anything associated with this family. It always weirded me out that little Michael was singing about all this adult shit when he was a kid.
- Disco Inferno/Tramp Absolutely not.
- Brickhouse/The Commodores That one can stay.
- Every Rose Has it's Thorn/Poison Shit, somebody call Demi, they're playing his tune.
- Sweet Child O' Mine/ Guns and Roses God, you're giving me heartburn.
- Photograph/Def Leppard I can't help it. I am an avowed Def Leppard fan, so this song can stay. And by "this song can stay" I mean "I will listen to Pyromania so I can hear the version where you don't butcher the song".

On and on and on. The selections of what could be played is endless Because you've never figured out how to work the knobs on your car stereo and you've been stuck listening to the classic rock station since you bought the thing. but the point is, we are looking for three members that want to have fun and play their ass off. Not contributing a damned thing to society. This is one of those, look through the ol' iTunes and find the most fun songs to play and then take them live! Carefully re-read this sentence and find not only the egregious affronts to human decency but also to how to craft a sentence in English.

We'd love to talk to you. We have the connections to get booked pretty quickly. There it was! I knew it was coming, ye olde affirmation of "connections". No attitudes, no flakes apply. Talk to you soon.

• Location: Edmond/NW OKC
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 603271277

New tourism slogan: Topeka. It's not exciting.

Scheduled city: Topeka, KS
Actual city: Topeka, KS
Distance differential: 0 Miles, because where else are we going to go? There aint nothing out here.
Previous City ~ Next City

Looking to play

---

Reply to: comm-xxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-03-11, 12:32PM CDT


I've been playing guitar for 7 years now. Uh-huh. It's not a dick measuring contest, sonny. I've played in a juco What the hell is a juco? college jazz band as lead guitar and I've played in a small fun pickup band Like as in the back of a pickup truck? Where your mother used to suck off ranch hands? We used to call that "a small fun pickup" back at the corral. as rhythem You went to college. And you still can't spell. guitar. I'm more interested in having fun than "forming a band". But you're still here looking to start a band. To quote the rap metal version of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" that I just managed to not throw up from during the first verse before I deleted the motherfucker: "What's up with that?" I'll play anything, So will your mother. At a tail gate party. but I prefer blues and grunge. Did you just say what I thought you said? I listen to STP, Suck. RHCP, Suck. And they keep writing songs about California. Live, Suck way more. Collective Soul, Suck. Foo Fighters Everything after the first record sucked. . . . . Hardest thing to find is a drummer with a set and a good bass player. Any idiot can pick up a guitar. You took my joke.
Give me a call if your interested. xxx-xxx-xxxx- What's that last dash? Do you have an extension? my names Chris. Did I forget to mention you were conceived in the back of a beat up S-10?

• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 602783020

Ghetto recording.

This is what I think about at work all day. Besides getting laid.

Above we have my basic recording rig which, since I'm poor is absolutely 100% jerry-rigged. But enough of that, let's just detail what's going on here before I detail what it is I intend to do.

Let's start with Baby, whom nobody puts in a corner:
Fender Jaguar (customized with a Tune-O-Matic bridge and tail-piece, Seymour Duncan and Ibanez humbuckers, and a single three-way on/off/on toggle) --> Big Muff Pi --> Sometimes a MoogerFooger Ring Modulator, sometimes a Danelectro Octave Divider, sometimes not a got-damn thing --> BBE DI-100 Sonic Maximizer --> Da Vinci 60W 1X12

The recording rig:
West Electric and Audio-Technica microphones --> Tascam PortaStudio 414 --> Dell Inspiron 1501 with a bunch of fucking programs
The inhuman beat boxer:
FLStudio 7
The aural stenographer:
Creative Wavestudio 7

Mr. Wee-body's Playback Machine:
One o' them there bullshit Behringer mixers --> 2 Zenith Allegra 3000 big-assed speakers

Well, the guitar rig, that's not going to change. But the recording rig is going to be making a few changes.
First, for a long while, I've been stuck doing one track at a time as far as guitar and bass go. So it was either two mics recorded to the same track and left at that or one mic recorded to one track.
I've been trying to figure out how to change this up when it dawned on me: Recording with CW7 defaults to a stereo track.
I'm using the four track solely as a preamp, because, like I said, I'm poor. With the four track though, I can plug in multiple mics for the same source.
I don't know why I didn't think of it earlier: I'll simply pan one mic hard left and the other mic hard right. CW7 will track the stereo signal and output the AT mic on one side and the WE mic on the other.
From here I can save the recording. After that I can convert the one mic to a mono (meaning both sides are the same damned thing) signal and save that, reopen the original and convert the other side. I then have two completely different mic signals I can mix as I see fit. Why the fuck didn't I think of that before?
The second idea is a bit more convoluted and will probably be more trouble than what it's worth. I'll program the drums, then play them through the stereo and mic the speakers. Depending on how close / far the mics are set up, I should be able to get a decent room sound. Not unreasonable. The convoluted part comes in when I figure, "Oh, then why don't I just do that by recording the drum signals 'one at a time' by boosting one and attenuating the others to create a sort of bleed through? HA! Fucking brilliant!" Well, it seems that way, and it also seems like a lot of work to record a fucking drum machine.

No more ice cream and Roman empire documentaries before bed for me.

I woke up this morning after a particularly disturbing dream. Most of what I remember is a speedometer and having sex with this awfully hot but bitchy little brunette who was the daughter of a general or admiral or something. My dad was looking for me while yelling at our butler (?) about all three of my cousin Scotts (?). Thankfully, he didn't find me until after I had broken the condom and my paramour in this instance decided to pack up and leave, seeing as how she's my dad's boss's daughter. I told the old man to just confront his problem with my cousins as I tried to get dressed and cover the huge boner and nearly florescent case of blue balls I had acquired.
I woke up and turned over and Georgie stroked my shoulder in a method indicating that I must have been talking in my sleep or something. While I was laying there wondering why my old man is such a whiny pussy in my dreams, Amy Winehouse's "Rehab" song crept into consciousness. Thankfully, it was usurped by Boston's "More Than A Feeling" by the time I climbed into the shower.
I don't really like either song, but given the choice, I can see where the hand claps would be preferable over an overanunciatiaon of the word "no". I hear "no" pronounced enough in that manner living in Minnesota.

My memory is slipping.

Is this how fucking old I am? Look at the photo. A couple of youse guys probably want to take a crack at her. Well dig it: She's fifteen, you weird fuck!
No, I'm not posting pictures of minors just to fuck with you. There is a reason, and that reason is this: She looks familiar to you. I'm sure she does. Sure of it. If you're anywhere close to my age, she looks familiar to you.
Figure it out, yet?
You're probably racking your brain over who the hell this weird, bobble-headed lookin' broad is. I'll give you a hint: If you're my age, you know not only that her mom killed her dad, but how her mom killed her dad.
In the greenhouse.
And tried to make it look like a suicide.
And then did some nude scenes with Woody Harrelson.
Obviously, you younguns are probably scratching your scalps like you've just read a Lithuanian crossword clue for 7 down, 9 letters, 4th letter looks like a math function. That's precisely the reason why you younguns won't give a shit.
It's Frances Bean.
Is this how fucking old I am? Really. This is fucking depressing, and I'm not talking about being old, no, fuck that, I don't care about being old.
What is depressing is that I had plans. Really simple plans. I was going to marry into the Cobain estate and make some money. And since Courtney Love is too old, well...
What!? I was going to wait until she turned eighteen. Well, I was, but look at her! Jesus tapdancing Christ. You know why she's familiar? BECAUSE SHE LOOKS LIKE HER FUCKING DAD!
I don't ask for much, I really don't, but the things I do ask for, I ask for for a reason. One thing I ask is that, when I'm railing away at a woman, she not look like her dad.
But, to be completely serious, this year I turned the age Kurt Cobain was when he died. Not just him but a lot of rockstars. More than anything, I'm more weirded out by how I've let a lot of things slip from memory. Things that wouldn't seem important to you, and things that seem awfully silly to me when I realize that I committed them to memory. First and foremost, in the middle of this big Nirvana clusterfuck blog, was that I spent an hour yesterday trying to track down the title to a Nirvana bootleg I got from Chris Allen in high school.
Believe it or not, in high school, I wouldn't have let that shit slip. Also I wouldn't have done the prudent thing like just label the fucking tape. "No, I don't have to label the tape, I have an excellent memory!"
There are those among you, I am sure, that have been waiting for this moment; the moment where you get to bust my chops because I had a favorite band in high school. But this is not that moment, and, seriously, if you want to take shit back to high school, you have some issues.
Making a joke about how I used to love Nirvana is like making a joke about how Chris Allen fucked Sarah in the ass. It's old news, and it's nothing to be ashamed of really.
I fuck my old lady in the ass all the time.
I've convinced friends to do a little ass fucking.
And I feel that I've validated my existence when I convinced one couple to let her put a finger in his ass. It wasn't for them, and that's okay. Me? I dig having a finger in my ass. Whoopity fucking doo. That's okay. And while we're all being okay with how okay everything is, I've only just realized that I spent the past two paragraphs discussing anal stimulation in a blog that prominently features a picture of a fifteen year old girl.
THE IMPORTANT PART IS that I've forgotten a lot of shit. I still remember some pretty useless shit, but none of said useless shit helps me label this cassette with this Nirvana bootleg.
A partial list of things I remember:

1. The chemical composition of morphine is C₁₇H₁₉NO₃*H₂O. (I have never needed to know this.)
2. Burma is not Burma, Burma is Myanmar.
3. Tryptophan is the chemical found in poultry and dairy that makes one sleepy.
4. Black Flag had five different singers.
5. "To the living one owes respect, to the dead one owes only truth." - Voltaire
6. An acrotomophile is somebody with an amputee fetish.
7. Fender's Corporate Headquarters is located in Scottsdale, AZ.
8. Jason Zeh's birthday is November 8th.
9. The 1985 Chevrolet Caprice Classic got 12MPG. At least mine did.
10. Rosie Perez's character in White Men Can't Jump almost got a wrong answer (or question, whatever) on Jeopardy when she pronounced Mount Vesuvius as "Moun' 'Suvius". The judges allowed it. She was also an expert in foods that started with "Q".
11. The Spice Girls were named, in alphabetical order, Baby, Ginger, Posh, Scary, and Sporty.
12. One of my old man's friends in high school was Kenny Camphausen. That's obviously a Deutsch name, so it could easily be spelled Kamphausen.
13. George Costanza's parents' names were Frank and Estelle.

None of this helps me on a daily basis. Of course, there's a lot more shit like this in my brain, and none of it helps me with what I'm trying to do, which is find the title to this Nirvana song. So, I turn to you, oh, my little illiterati, to help.

• It's all power chords.
• It sounds, from the drums at least, like it came from the later era, either the Pachyderm sessions or the demo sessions they did around that time.
• It's heavy, pretty metal, actually.
• It sounds like Cobain is singing "When I first wanted it..." over and over again before singing something that sounds like "Never, ever thought twice" before the chorus where I can only make out one consonant sound: "[????]eeeeeeee Doooohhhh[???] [???]iiiiiiii[????]"

If you can figure it out, tell me in the comments. Similarly, if you have a list of useless shit floating in your brain, leave that in the comments.
And stop beating off. She's fifteen, you sick fuck.

The Land of Lincoln! No, wait.

Scheduled city: Lincoln, NE
Actual city: Lincoln, NE
Distance differential: 0 Miles, because there really isn't anywhere else to go.
Previous City ~ Next City
Is this it?

Pianist

---

Reply to: comm-xxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-03-08, 1:33AM CST


Would like to talk to pair of piano players about an idea.
Chris

• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 599314813

You know why? Because this motherfucker is 800 bajillion times more bad ass than you'll ever hope to be; that's why.

Scheduled city: Denver, CO
Actual city: Denver, CO
Distance differential: 0 Miles
Previous City ~ Next City
Clearly, it's not this guy posting this ad; he's eighty mother nine fucking years old, you think he knows what this new fangled computer malarkey is?
And, yes, we're breaking with tradition again. Yes, this is a feel good story. And you know what? Go fuck yourself. You should be so lucky as to be able to keep on playing your instrument at eighty mother nine fucking years of age. This guy comes from a time when, generations ago, somebody would ask you what you wanted to be when you grew up and you could say musician because it was a perfectly respectable trade. He's part of the Old Guard, the guys who actually learned how to play their instruments and trained and honed their skills while the other kids were out being kids. These were guys who got picked on for being musicians. (Yeah, I know, it's hard to believe that being a musician used to be not cool.) And I don't give a fuck what any of youse guys says, this guy is right up there with the welders and steel workers.
You know a dozen or so chords, this guy knows a craft.
Jolly Joe, hats off to you, ya old bastard. May your bones not stink as they rot after the stale, lukewarm touch of death penetrates your fleshy vehicle.
I've bolded what I think is important.

Free Piano Player...retired professional.

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Reply to: comm-xxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-03-08, 8:53PM MST


Joe Svozil calls me his brother. We might as well be. I met him a few months ago when my father was at a physical-therapy facility where Joe lives.

Big Band members called him "Jolly Joe" or "The Philly-Kid". Joe is 89. His mind is sound, his feet can do what they need to for a piano. There is nothing wrong with his huge hands. He can play for hours when, "in the mood". Offer him an adventure! Classroom demonstration? Band with horn section?

Jolly Joe played professionally for 60 years. We travel where wheelchairs are welcome, searching for pianos to "exercise". Split-notes, transpositions, I don't understand what he does, but I know what I like. Joe plays in 8 languages. My favorites are his renditions of "Georgia" and "Your Cheatin' Heart". His favorites include Glenn Miller themes and The Hungarian Rhapsody.

Anybody got a piano in an atmosphere? Surely with the smoking-ban there are venues willing to try something new. No drunken bars, but just about any other playing opportunity would be of intereset. No fee. This is not about revenue but sharing his gift. Charitable organizations first-served.

Call or e-mail to explain your piano. Give "Jolly Joe" a reason for adventure. His talent is genuine. Svozil played with the Big Bands and accompanied some great vocalists. He is also a story-teller, so be careful with the microphone. Well, old people are prone to talkin'. A lot.

Steve xxxxxxxxxxxx. (xxx-xxx-xxxx) xxxxxxxx@msn.com P.S. I am looking to purchase a wheelchair-ramp mini-van. Even a damaged one. I can fix whatever.

• Location: Denver
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 600186287

I tend to pronounce the name of this fine city as though I were Bugs Bunny.

Scheduled city: Santa Fe, NM
Actual city: Albuquerque, NM
Distance differential: 64 Miles, because absolutely nothing happens in Santa Fe.
Previous City ~ Next City
So, here's what happened. This guy, R.A., last Thursday he comes up with this brilliant community idea: One big Albuquerque jazz clusterfuck in his house. So, this sounds great to everybody in the area; the guy has outlined his house rules, they're pretty reasonable; and then, of course, somebody has to go and talk shit.
In Albuquerque, they're pretty flag crazy, so trash talk never stays up very long, so the details of the shit this one cat stirred are unknown. What follows is R.A.'s response.
Long story short:

1. This guy has his shit together, but he could be a dick for all I know, I've never met him.
2. The other guy does not have his shit together and is definitely a dick.
3. Albuquerque Craigslist exists more as a discussion forum then as a classified.
4. We're going to break with form and do a little dinner theater. I will be playing the role of the shit talker who will be dressed in purple, and R.A. will play himself in a little performance piece I call...
   

Charlie Beats A Double Entendre to Death

R.A. here clarifying a few things

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Reply to: comm-xxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-03-07, 2:09PM MST


You are a hack, this was the worst gigue I've ever played, you and your non-existent guitar skills can blow, or maybe just find some other untalented ass for your gigue.
To the anonymous poster who has a problem with my guitar playing, but who can't spell the word "gig":

I was there and what I witnessed, eeeyuck! LOL not!
I'd take you seriously if you signed your name or expressed your opinion to me directly. As it stands, nobody knows who you are or whether you actually attended my jam.

Why don't you just go back to trying something simpler, like a twelve bar blues jam and you can practice your E, A, and B power chords, because you'll never get the vii chords down. Maybe you'll find someone who'll actually have fun with you playing with yourselves in a living room for free.
This is the first time I've advertised a house jam for jazz although I've invited several people to jam with me. I've hosted a blues jam a couple years ago. Everyone who accepted an invitation to jam with me knew they were coming to a house jam, gave all appearances of enjoying themselves, and thanked me for the invitation afterwards.

Years ago, that sort of thing would have been fine by me. In fact, I think I may have jammed with you in that context, and your skills haven't improved much.
If you were one of those people (which I doubt), there's been an impressive change in your attitude since the last time you were a guest in my home. You also know how to contact me directly so I really question your motive in posting this.

It's pretty misleading that you're going around acting all hot-shit-jazz-guru, like you're trying to put together some allstar woodshed jazz brain trust. As a public service, I take it upon myself to dispel these beliefs and put the kibosh on your bullshit.
I've never claimed to be at the top of the food chain jazz-wise, yet I've got no problem finding people to play and gig with. For my house jam, I don't screen players based on skill, and all I know about different players is what they tell me about themselves. Everyone is welcome. The jam has to be a safe space to play. The goal is not to judge each other or put each other down. If your goal is to be toxic, I suggest you find another place to get fodder besides as an invited guest in my home. Your attitude really isn't welcome here.

And on top of all this, do any of these guys know you're not serious about forming a band? You're so not committed to the music man. You probably get your rocks off leading people on, don't you?
An invitation to jam with me is not an invitation (or commitment) to play a gig with me or to play with me permanently. It's an invitation to spend a couple hours making music with me. That's all. No strings are attached.

Is that really how you play guitar? If you're serious about playing guitar, you should probably take some more lessons.
Thanks for your feedback about my playing. I do take lessons. My skills are improving over time. If I don't play well enough for you on a particular night, I suggest you do what all professionals do in that kind of situation and select someone else to jam with the next time.

What the hell is the point, anyway? Why waste your time inviting strangers into your house just to show off how much you suck and how much your sucky friends suck so you can all suck in front of each other?
What my house jam is, is an opportunity to play with some people you haven't played with before. They will be people from a wide variety of different backgrounds and experience levels: not just elites. Probably there will be very few really high-end players, because they're too busy playing out, teaching, or recording to have time for a neighborhood jam.

I haven't put as much effort into my skills as I have to not make money.
If you're at or near the top of the jazz food chain in Albuquerque and don't have a desire to play for fun, my jam might not meet any needs that you have.

Why would you expect me to waste my time not making money? And then watching you and your friends suck with each other.
If my jam doesn't meet your needs, don't attend it. Attending it (or pretending to have attended it) and then whining about it is not productive.

I mean, I can also not make money by staying at home. At least there I don't have to put up with you and your friends sucking hard. I'll just watch my Django Reinhardt DVDs.
If you don't want to play with people from a wide range of experience, including a few beginners, follow your own advice and stay home. Or host your own house jam and invite people who want to play with a backstabber. See how well that goes and get back to me.

Nobody wants to hang out and pretend they're not sucking when, in reality, they're in a room full of people sucking hard with each other and they themselves are sucking right along with all of the sucking going on in the suck room.
For everyone else who actually wants to play, have fun, meet people, and improve: the house jam continues.

And when you're not busy sucking hard with a bunch of other guys who like sucking, you're busy ripping them off.
Since you've made some very public accusations about how I run my band, I will reply to them in the same medium for anyone who cares.

Can you even call that a band? A group of guys you've duped into believing that it's okay to suck with you? And then you didn't bother to think that they'd get fed up with how poorly you suck and that they'd ditch out on you. So what do you do? You try to find other, younger guys interested in sucking with you in your living room. Around your wife and children.
It's true I have a jazz band, or at least a group of players who like to play with me and who have been very enthusiastic about rehearsing and performing. It's true that some people who had played with me for several months and who had committed to some gigs backed out of them on very short notice. Each had legitimate personal reasons for backing out. That created a sticky situation, I did have to let some people go rather than allowing them to be "in the band" wihout attending rehearsals or performances. It's true I had to scramble to get people to cover a couple of the charity gigs. It's true I'm looking for a couple replacement band members in the long term. I absolutely use my house jam as a way to meet people who might be interested in other projects.

And then you don't even pay these guys for their time! That's what I'm talking about when I say you rip them off! You get a bunch of guys together in a room, you all suck together, and then you kick them out without paying them!
It's also true that I'm heavily involved with some local charities, and that people often ask me to put together pickup bands for one-shot gigs for non-profit events that otherwise could not afford live music. I definitely use my house jam as a way to meet new people who might be interested in that particular kind of gig in the more distant future. Yes, charity gigs are mostly free gigs. If you don't want to play a free charity gig, with me or on your own, then don't. However, sharing music and giving it to others is a very important part of what I do and how I live my life.

Eventually, after you've already run out of guys in your peer group, you start moving on to younger, fresher faces. Then you alienate them, you reach around them and pick out another, more inexperienced "player" and then you take him into the living room, sit him down, and show him that it's okay to suck.
Even if not one new person ever jams with me in the future, I'm more than capable of meeting my existing gig commitments with the people I've got.

What I'm getting at is: You're not very good at it. I've never felt so unsatisfied after jamming.
What I give in any jam or performance situation is the best that I have to offer at the time. That "best" is constantly improving. Anyone who isn't OK with that is welcome to not play with me.


- R.A.

• Location: West Side
• it's ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 598817570

3/7/08 UPDATE Charlie's Ukrainian Mail Order Bride Fund Raiser

This week, we have fifty four women to sift through. Normally, I'd proffer some sort of joke relating my penis to a green card, but I'll allow you to come up with your own. Leave them in the comments section if you wish.
But let's get right down to the nitty-gritty-kitty cat litter, shall we?
Let's kick it off with everybody's favorite discrimination: LET'S GET RID OF THE BLONDES.
I can hear Olga's mother now: Ты щего поимка большее количество насекомое переводится творительным падежом управляющего слова сладость чем переводится творительным падежом управляющего слова неприятный характер.
Juliana (who lists her occupation, I shit you not, as "maker-up") looks like Courtney Love in one photo, Debbie Harry in another, Patricia Arquette in another, and Olivia Newton-John in yet another. STOP CHANGING FACES!
From those fifty four, we've broken things down to two dozen, which means we're on to Phase Two: LET'S GET RID OF THE BORING ONES.
We're trucking right along and busting twenty four down to ten, which means it's time for Phase Three: LET'S GET RID OF THE UGLY SHOES!

Hold up! Hold up. Hold. The fuck. Up.
I want to address something. Now, we here stateside are all having a good giggle, at least those of us who understand that I'm being stupid on purpose. But I intend to make a serious point here: Ladies, stop holding your boobs. Just stop. Really. Stop.
Look, I get that boobs are fun. I like holding them, too. Why? Because they are boobs. But, ladies, when you hold your boobs, you aren't really adding much validity to the organization that you're contracting yourself to for US immigration papers. And as far as I'm concerned, introducing yourself to me by holding your boobs leads me to the conclusion that you're a meth addict.
Seriously, the feminists who (still for some reason) read this thing may balk at the fact that I appear to be taking a Puritanical stance on feminine sexuality, but such is not the case. Think about it: What if I introduced myself to you by holding my balls? Really. What would you think if you were combing through the singles ads and out of nowhere there's a picture of a guy cupping his balls? You'd think the guy just snorted a couple lines off-camera, wouldn't you? You'd think he's a fucking idiot, wouldn't you? It would completely destroy the validity of his profile and sully the reputation of the organization he's affiliated with.
Same deal here; no double-standard.
So, ladies, stop holding your erogenous zones. Just let the push-up bra and v-neck blouse do their job if you really need to show them off and use your hands for something more useful.
Like making me dinner. (That's right, I went there.)

From those ten, we have broken it down to seven, so it's time for PLAN 9.
Maybe I should do something like Top Gun, you know where Maverick and Goose do that little "need for speed" thing? Yeah, like that: So it's time, time for PLAN 9, OW!
No, that sucks.
Anyhow, PLAN 9 is a bit of a stretch of the imagination this week. Let's see what we can do with this. From the top...
--> Julia the Journalist looks simply smashing in red. That's about it. IN.
--> Anastasia the Model looks like this girl I went to high school with, Hannah, who was a Born-Again Christian. Her brother's name was Abe, I think, but I never met the guy. Anyway, she annoyed the shit out of me in Algebra class. OUT.
--> Maria the Pharmacist somehow slipped through the Boring Filter. Pills can't save you now, Maria. OUT.
--> Tatiana the Secretary looks one hundred percent nucking futs. IN.
--> Julia the Manager took me a minute. Then I realized who she looked like. My Aunt Linda. OUT.
--> Eleonora the Tourist Agent looks Asian. Since I'm not a huge Asian media buff, if I compared her to an Asian celebrity, someone who is an Asian media buff would call bullshit on me and say that I'm saying that all Asian people look alike, which is not at all what I'm saying. In order to avoid it all together, I could call OUTSIES on her but then everybody would be like, "Why? Because she's Asian?" Which she isn't, she's Kirgizstanish, but that wouldn't matter to anybody. Conversely, if I granted her INSIES, everybody would get all up in arms and call me a noodle-hunter. See the trap I've fallen into, here? Fuck. Eleonora, congratulations, you are ON THE FENCE.
--> Nelly the Lecturer is a white girl. I've never gotten in trouble for that. IN.

Let's meet our Fantastic Four:

Julia the Journalist's "weak heart" melts for bicycles. She claims she can't live without music and "of course [she] prefer[s] the best one!" OOOOOOOO-kay. The one big thing she requires is that her potential spouse "mustn't have any complexes". Honey, you're barking up the wrong tree.
There's a perfectly rational explanation as to why Tatiana the Secretary looks absolutely fuck nuts out of her brain: She is absolutely fuck nuts out of her brain. Here, in it's entirety is the second sentence in her profile: "I am an obstinate, daring and naughty girl who birch-rods cry for, so in short a little witch!" She goes on to explain that she is possessive and further explains how she wanted to be Peter Pan at one point, then going through the usual aspirations of becoming God and then a "space woman" before settling on becoming a secretary. She uses words like "destroy" and "war" a lot when describing how she will love a man.
Eleonora the Tourist Agent is the most normal of the bunch. She keeps shit simple. She enjoys harmony and coziness, drawing and cooking. She'd like to start a family some day.
Nelly the Lecturer is just as normal as Eleonora, but is trilingual to a proficient degree in Russian, German, and English. But she's a health-nut and doesn't want somebody with "bad habits".

Eleonora is our clear winner this week, and if you would like to know more about her, SEND MONEY!

When I told Daver I was dating a girl from Salt Lake, he said, "You're fucking a Mormon!?"

Scheduled city: Salt Lake City, UT
Actual city: Salt Lake City, UT
Distance differential: 0 Miles
Previous City ~ Next City

We're going to break with tradition for Salt Lake City, as a lot of the ads from that city describe a scene based on the old "pay to play" business model. While a lot of it is just out-and-out griping, this ad presents some of the most inexcusable behavior I've ever read about a club espousing. I will point out the biggest offenses by "bolding" the text, and use the orange text to illustrate where the band may have used poor judgement.
What's nice about the Salt Lake scene is that the craigslist there is more of an open forum and the musicians take the time to look out for one another.

Ripped off by Liquid Joe's! Boycott!

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Reply to: comm-xxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-03-06, 4:13PM MST


Our band had a very negative experience at Liquid Joe's last night. Our wallets were rifled through in the green room and money was stolen from us while we performed. This... I don't know, you'd expect a certain amount of security from the venue, but I wouldn't rely on it. I don't know why you didn't keep your wallet in your pocket or just throw it in the back of the amp. When I mentioned this to the bartender, his response was "The green room doesn't lock." That, seriously, is inexcusable. As the door leading to this area is clearly marked "Employees Only" I would assume that the "security" would control access to this area. We would like to think this, but, honestly, security has a much tougher job corralling drunks and breaking up fights and regulating the door. I've never once, in nine years of playing out, seen a security guard taking post by any "Employees Only" area. Our opinion is that an employee ripped us off. Or just any ballsy drunk, really. Easy with the language, there, Junior. We had about 20 people show up. The bar gives 3 bucks per ticket to the band. We received a whopping 30 bucks. You received half of the door. That's actually pretty standard. Yeah, it kind of sucks, but it's pretty standard. If you want more than that percentage, you'll need to bring in more than twenty people regularly in order to develop clout and then you'll be in a position to negotiate for a higher percentage. Results of negotiations will, of course, vary from venue to venue, from promoter to promoter. All 20 of our friends that showed up (and paid to get in Do you mean they bought tickets or do you mean they bought tickets and had to pay again at the door? This is an important distinction.) also spent a significant amount of money on alcohol. No club ever gives a cut of alcohol sales to the band unless the band has the clout to pull off an arrangement for a cut of the bar before the show. We were supposed to receive a 20 dollar bar tab as well. I paid for 2 cups of coffee, our bass player paid for 2 glasses of beer, and our guitar player was told our tab was used up after his second beer. According to this math, the beers there cost US$10, which is astro-fucking-nomical. Look, the bar got one over on you, which is what bars do. It's unfortunate, but it's what they do. It may just be an oversight on the part of an overworked and/or inattentive bartender who didn't keep an appropriate tally or was unaware of the arrangement. How much did the drummer have or give away to the fans, by the way? Boycott Liquid Joe's. Don't play there, don't spend money there, and spread the word to your friends and their bands. After talking to several other musicians, we have discovered that this is a relatively common experience at Liquid Joe's. Don't play there - they'll rip you off. This is bad politicking; you may have to play this club again. At least you didn't mention your band name, but the "stolen wallets" scenario will stand out.

• Location: Salt Lake
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 597861768

Rising from the ashes

Scheduled city: Phoenix, AZ
Actual city: Gilbert, AZ
Distance differential: 24 Miles, but it's pretty much a suburb.
Previous city ~ Next City

ORCHESTRAL DAMNATION SEEKING DRUMMER!!!

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Reply to: comm-xxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-03-05, 8:54PM MST


Neo Classical shred duo guitarists Whatwhatwhat? are currently seeking a double bass driven monster for drums to back Orchestral Damnation. Lamest. Band name. Ever. Seeking Scott Travis, Who? Gene Hoglan, What? Mike Portnoy Rings a bell, but refresh my memory. styles. No blast beats! No shredding! Just good ol' fashioned metal. Then you better start naming good ol' fashioned metal drummers. We have an 8 piece kit That's too many pieces. already at the studio that is the signature Avenged Sevenfold Whoa whoa whoa, what the fuck? I thought you said good ol' fashioned metal, not "crap". Avenged Sevenfold? I think I just threw up in my mouth. drum set. Feel free to visit our MySpace page for some demo material.

www.myspace.com/orchestraldamnation

Practice place is in Gilbert. Crossroads are Higley and Riggs Rd. Please rob us!

For now we are seeking Friday and Saturday nights for practice. These should be easy enough to find; they are located between Friday afternoon and Sunday morning.

• Location: Gilbert
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 597028648

Can I be a huge pussy for, like, five minutes?

Charlie's been sitting in the gray metal folding chair for ten minutes at this point in the church basement, drinking weak coffee. He looks around at the others and thinks to himself, "I don't have a problem, I don't belong here. Look at these assholes."
No grumbling or murmurs course through the two dozen or so troubled souls who sit quietly as the ring leader or who ever this asshole is rattles off his schpiel from the fake-wood-grain podium the church deacon or friar or whatever the fuck donated about two years to facilitate the meetings with a bit more decorum than the ugly card table ever gave. From the mount on high, behind the validity of the bullshit podium the ringleader or whatever the hell says, "I see we have some new faces tonight, so why don't you come on up and introduce yourselves."
Charlie looks around. Nobody else seems to be budging, but the mohawked fellow in the Crass t-shirt elbows Charlie. Charlie shoots him a dirty look, but the punker only gives him a stern nod with a reassuring smile. The kind of smile that says, "Go ahead, it's okay, we're all here for the same reason." So what does Charlie do?
He says, "Fuck it."
As he stands, the assembled mass begins a light applause. Charlie starts to feel awkward and his knees turn to gelatin as he makes his way up the center aisle to the podium.
Placing his hands on either side, he looks out at the room and realizes the nervous tension inside him. He strains.
What now? What now? A joke? Can I tell a joke here? Shit, they'll fucking kill me.
He clears his throat and says into the microphone, "Well, I've seen this enough times on TV to know how this goes," deep breath, "My name is Charlie, and I like the Arcade Fire."
From the crowd, a black woman's voice pierces the silence, "Go on, honey!"
Charlie continues, "You see it started after I met my on again / off again girlfriend, George. It was the first winter, and by extension the first holidays I had spent away from my family. She was an Arcade Fire fan and she would play Funeral nearly constantly, along with some glam stuff here and there-" someone in the crowd yells, "Tell it, brother!" "-and I had just been through a rough break up about, like, what? Four months before that, and it was just really pretty music and it had this sense of 'everything's going to be okay' to it.
"And the guy's voice kind of sounded like Bruce Springsteen in certain spots. I'm not the world's biggest Boss fan, but who doesn't like the Boss?
"I admit, it's kind of wimpy music," a few grumbles from the crowd at that, "so I normally felt the urge to go crank the Big Black or the Jesus Lizard or the High On Fire or something when I got home because I didn't want to be a ginormous pussy."
The mohawked fellow raises his voice, "I hear you, brother!"
"But after a while, it got worse. I would walk the two or three miles home in a foot of snow and that song that goes 'da da da DAAAAH Da' would be stuck in my head," someone yells "Neighborhood #2 (Laika)" and Charlie responds, "Well, yeah, if that's what it's called."
Silence.
"Fine. Fuck it. I downloaded the record, that's what it's called, okay? I know the name of an Arcade Fire song. And is that a crime?"
The congregation: "Hell no! Brother, no!"
"Is it wrong for a guy to look up a band that is catchy and makes pretty music that gets stuck in his head while looking out across a snow-covered Northeast Minneapolis from atop a bridge or gets stuck in his head whilst falling a sleep later that morning after downing a twelve pack of shitty 3.2% beer from the bodega?
"Then I found out that punkers aren't supposed to like this band. I found out that the band looks like a goddamned Puritan Amish murder-spree cult. And their records have way too much fucking echo on them. But, fuck if it aint pretty."
The crowd remains unresponsive.
"Oh, come on, they look like a fucking cult!" A few nods at that. "Y'see? We were all thinking it.
"So I come here tonight to admit that I actually like this band. But just that one record, Funeral, because I wasn't all that crazy about this Electric, no, wait, Neon Bible crap or whatever the fuck that one is. So, you see? I can stop whenever I want."
The ringleader makes to pipe up, probably to dispense some touchy-feely bullshit speech about admittance and Charlie says, "Sit the fuck down, Jim Jones, you've had your time. The mic's still mine."
Turning back to the assembly, Charlie says, "My name is Charlie, and I'm a punker that likes an Arcade Fire record."
The crowd bursts into applause and Charlie steps from around the podium, exposing his fist wrapped tightly around his scrotum, exclaiming, "The Brain!!!"
A stunned hush falls over the crowd as Charlie says, "Alright, come take your licks*."
*In this instance, from Webster's meaning: 2 a: to strike repeatedly.

I'm telling you, out west must be the land of the anti-douche.

Scheduled city: Carson City, NV
Actual city: Reno, NV
Distance differential: 31 or 1827 Miles, which, either way, aint bad.
Previous City ~ Next City

We need an opener Thurs. night!!!

---

Reply to: xxxxxxxxxxxxxx@yahoo.com
Date: 2008-03-03, 6:05PM PST


We need someone to open for Flamingo Matrix What? and Red Mercury Who? (search myspace Bitch, don't tell me what to do.) this Thursday night at club underground. Uh, that's in Minneapolis. That changes our distance differential from 31 Miles to 1827 Miles. Our original opener had an emergency He realized the headliners' names suck? and had to drop. It's a no-cover show, tips and bar compliments only. Show starts at roughly 9 PM.

Qualifications:
Don't suck While what is up your alley may not be up somebody else's, I'm not going to disagree with you on this one.
Don't be metal/hardcore/metalcore/hardcore-core/heavymetal-core-hardcorecore/etc. I'm out. Next!
Don't be a douche/douches Y'know, to cover solo artists and whole bands. Not a damned thing wrong with that.
Don't say you're a "pro band" because you play in casinos I can't find any flaws in this.

Yep, email me.
Jake

• Location: Club Underground (4th st.)
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 594679599

Why is it that the West Coast folks have already demonstrated having their shit together more than any other place on the planet?

Scheduled city: Sacramento, CA
Actual city: Citrus Heights, CA
Distance differential: 17 Miles
Previous City ~ Next City

The Dreaded Drummer Wanted Ad Redux

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Reply to: comm-xxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-03-03, 10:44PM PST


We are an original pop rock band that has been around for awhile. I'm listening. Our current drummer is excellent, but he has serious business/family commitments that are keeping us from progressing. Fair enough. We just put out our first CD and plan to begin working on the next one soon (yeah, I know ... BFD ...everybody has a friggin' CD these days, No, you see, this is them saying that, I make the sarcastic quips in orange. but we kinda like it).

We play shows one to three times a month, mostly in Sac and San Francisco. We have our own practice room with a Tama kit available so you don't need to move gear in and out. That's awfully considerate. No, wait, that's not your old drummer's kit is it? Because auditioning new drummers on your old drummer's kit is like speed dating in your ex-wife's bed.

We are looking for someone in their mid-thirties to early forties that has a stable income and transportation ... in other words, a grown-up. You see!? They keep beating me to the punch! They already know where I'm going before I go there. It's nice to see people that have their shit together, but they're going to put me out of a job... ... Wait, that's right, I don't get paid for this. We do not need any rockstar types, just a solid player who enjoys making music and wants to do it for the sheer hell of it and enjoy the side benefits. If you sing, that's very cool too, since we do a lot of vocal stuff. Like, with our voices!

What? I had to get a shot in somewhere.

We have some other specific needs as well to make some other ideas we have happen, but we'll talk about that when we talk to you. Man, they really are laid back in Cali.

Oh ... and we don't play freebies at resturants. Oh, this is an inside joke that you wouldn't get unless you read the Sacramento craigers.

• Location: Citrus Heights
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 594897367

No, they had Witch Trials at the other one.

Scheduled city: Salem, OR
Actual city: Salem, OR
Distance differential: 0 Miles
Previous City ~ Next City

KICKASS ROCK DRUMMER NEEDED

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Reply to: comm-xxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-03-02, 3:08PM PST


18+ DRUMMER NEEDED FOR EXISTING SALEM AREA HARD ROCK BAND with pro equipment and rehearsal space. They need a rehearsal space. This means they pissed off the guy with the rehearsal space. This is, I'm sure, what they'd call a "tactical error" in the military. We will polish an existing setlist, With what? Turtle Wax? begin hitting the salem area clubs for weekend paid gigs, You got some real brass ones if you think you'll just jump right in to the weekend slots. start adding material to build a bigger setlist, I don't know why, but I get this picture in my head of these guys explaining it to each other with the hand gestures and what not and I just start laughing. and discuss the idea of writing original material. WHOA Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa WHOA! What!? What!? You mean to tell me that you're a fucking cover band? Man, I really don't have enough coffee for this shit.

• Location: Salem, OR
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 593406950

It's the water!

Scheduled city: Olympia, WA
Actual city: Olympia / Tacoma, WA
Distance differential: 30.5 Miles, but it's all just one big city, anyway.
Previous City ~ Next City
This is how an ad ought to look.

Prog/Hard Rock/ Metal band needs NEW singer!!!

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Reply to: comm-xxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-02-27, 4:09PM PST


Our singer is moving on and we need a new singer. Look at that. Logic! Come and take a listen to what we have up now. They want you to check it out for yourself and determine if you're interested. We are looking for someone that can sing and scream. Requirements for talents that the prospective replacement will have do not sound unreasonable at all. We only ask 3 things. Well, technically, you did just ask for two. 1st have your own gear Let's take a time out here. While this request is not unreasonable, I can't recall one instance of meeting somebody who sang and only sang who had a P.A. but, meh. 2nd not be a crack head Hey, nobody wants to jam with a crack head, so you can't knock these guys for making sure they don't have to endure spending time with a crack head. 3rd have a job and a car. Look at that, they want somebody who has decided to take on the responsibilities of adulthood. What a novel concept. Y'know, compared to the guys who say shit like, "Must b comitted 2 teh BRUTAL lifestyle. 420 forevor, bro! lol". Come take a listen. I just might. If the music is even half as cool as these guys are sensible, then hell, I might move to Olympia. Keep in mind that this was at practice with 1 mic pointed in the room and just clips of the songs... You know? I've worked with less, so that's okay.
http://www.myspace.com/iborjan

• Location: Olympia/Tacoma
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 589176179

Because it needs to be said.

What can you say about Idaho? Really, what?

Scheduled city: Boise, ID
Actual city: Boise, ID
Distance differential: 0 Miles, but there was nowhere else to go anyway.
Previous City ~ Next City

Drummer needed for smooth jazz group

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Reply to: comm-xxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-03-01, 11:59PM MST


Need drummer for smooth jazz group. Fair enough. Must possess a great internal clock I know there's a joke there somewhere. and enjoy playing everything from jazz standards to Pop, funk, Dave Koz, Chris Botti, blues, to rock.

If you are a solid drummer, with a broad knowledge and appreciation of contemporary, smooth jazz, Who isn't? are able to get along with other band members, effectively work in a group and manage group dynamics, please reply, and we will arrange an audition.

Must be flexible!!! Limber, even!

We'd prefer an electronic kit, WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE. What did you just say? but if you can manage dynamics on an acoustic kit, This sounds just absolutely bass ackwards to me. we'll take a look.

• Location: Boise
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 592818922

I actually have to do something a little different here. I'm sure many of youse guys out there get the inherent fucked-up-ness of this statement, but I mean, wow. For some reason, I feel like I'm missing out on something, because this logic is just so absotively, posolutely flawed that I think my head just fucking exploded in a parallel dimension where, sadly, I'm doing the exact same thing I'm doing in this dimension, but I'm far more prone to spontaneous combustion.

We'd prefer an electronic kit, but if you can manage dynamics on an acoustic kit, we'll take a look.

You guys, have at it. Do all the damage you need to. Take that statement and just, just... find what I' missing because I, I, oh, I know what I can say...

THIS GUY'S A FUCKING IDIOT!

We'd prefer an electronic kit, but if you can manage dynamics on an acoustic kit, we'll take a look.
This guy is out of his fucking mind. He is! He is! He is absolutely fuck nuts out of his goddamned mind! He wants to start a jazz band and then insists that an electronic drum kit offers more manageable dynamics than an acoustic drum kit. What the fuck!?
We'd prefer an electronic kit, Okay, we got that part...
but if you can manage dynamics As any drummer should be able to...
on an acoustic kit, OOHHHH, CRAP ON A CRAP CRACKER. That's exactly where there are dynamics! That's exactly where! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! You're just- aarrgghh!!
we'll take a look. Shut up. Just, just, erragh! Shut the fuck holy hell ass up!!!!!

Hey, remember this guy?

Name:	Denis
Age:	26
Height:	184 cm
Weight:	74 kg
Eye Color:	Brown
Hair Color:	Black
Education:	University
Language:	English, Spanish
Profession:	Lawyer - Criminal Law
City:
State:	MN
Country:	USA
Religion:	Other
Marital Status:	NM
Children:
Smoker:	Yes
Drinking:	Socially
Looking For Age:	21 - 31

That's right, it's Denis! Our Jai Alai coaching, Volkswagen Passat driving, one-"n"-in-his-name criminal lawyer doppleganger who was featured in our earliest Ukrainian lady experiments. Well, I stumbled across Denis's password whilst cleaning my office area and I decided to check in with that ol' so-and-so and guess how many Ukrainian women I've been neglecting vicariously through lil' Denny. Go on guess.
587
That's a pretty big number. Strap yourselves right the fuck in, because the numbers are going to look a lot more impressive, today. Like the fucking holocaust.
Phase one: Auschwitz-Birkenau.
We're naming this one Auschwitz-Birkenau because getting rid of the blondes yields the most casualties, just like Auschwitz did.
Do I get how wrong this is? Yes. Do you know how wrong I'll get? Hahahaha, ah, just wait.
...
...
Yeah, it's going to be a while.
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Talk amongst yourselves.
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Really, this is taking forever. Go fix yourself a sandwich.
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AND what with having to knock 587 down to 277, I'm sure a few blondes scattered and hid once I opened fire.
Phase two: Warschau
We're naming our boring-getter-rid-ofer stage after the Warsaw camp and ghettos. Why? Because while Warsaw had a lot going for it, it is often overlooked by historians who want the sensationalism and scandal of Auschwitz. These women to be excluded probably have some winning qualities going for them as well, but they will easily get over looked for much prettier, younger women with no kids and lucrative and/or interesting jobs.
...
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Go grab a coffee.
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Shit! There's a blonde! Get her!
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You know what? Even I just took a break. I just figured out the chord progression to Bob Dylan's "Lay, Lady, Lay". Friday, it was Ram Jam's version of "Black Betty".
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Holy god, that one looks like a young Mick Jagger.
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I don't recall ever having spent this much time logged in to the bride site. Seriously, you know what takes you 3.4 seconds to read takes me at least ten minutes to even just get around to typing, right?
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I should have just done a lightning round.
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I just eradicated an entire page of emails.
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AL-FUCKING-RIGHT!!! 277 are knocked right down to 109, which brings us to the most grueling of phases where I now have to look at 109 pairs of shoes. We're naming this one Treblinka, because Treblinka is a cute-sounding word, and I want to concentrate on cute shoes and get rid of ugly shoes. That and because we wear shoes to walk places, what better camp was there to name this phase after than the one with the infamous Road to Heaven.
Fucking A, I haven't had enough coffee for this bullshit. Cover me, I'm going back in.
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Wait a minute, STOP! (No, not "Hammer time".) It's been a while since we've done this, and you know that there's only one thing that could bring this motherfucker to a screeching halt. You guessed it: The Crazy Amarheekan Cowgirl, Anna from Lugansk. She's an unemployed drunk that went to tech school.

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Uugghh.
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So, last night, since I wasn't anywhere near a computer and I had a movie question and I couldn't IMDB it, I said fuck it and called the Gerbs because that guy's seen every fucking movie ever made. He still hasn't called me back.
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Oh, for Christ's sake.

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Okay, hold on, I know I'm crossing lines here in the first place with a concentration camp theme, but you guys know that I'm just playing the role of a xenophobic misogynist, and that I don't really believe half the shit I type, but man there are lines. I draw that line at exploiting Chernobyl Babies. No, you don't get a photo. No, you don't get a description of the mutation. No, you don't get a joke. All you get is knowing that there is indeed a grown up Chernobyl Baby in the mix.
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Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Fuck fuck FUCK fuck. You know how many brides I'm left with? Sixty four. Sixty four. And you know what the biggest problem is? These bitches aint shit but hoes and tricks.
You know what I have to do now. PLAN 9.
You can't rename PLAN 9. PLAN 9 is PLAN 9. PLAN 9 can never not be PLAN 9, even if I do want to name it for Majdanek, where the mausoleum looks like a flying saucer.
I'll try to make it simpler, though.
Previous finalists:

• Elena, the Sin City Jessica Alba lookalike who was up for mascot.
• Yulia, who got the boot for wearing a t-shirt with a freaking teddy-bear on it. I stand by that decision.
• Irina, the pool-playing math geek over whom I spent a week wondering, "How wrong would it be if I really did masturbate thinking about one of these women?" Then I said, "Fuck it."
• Olga, the housekeeper with a medical degree and ginormous teutonic breasts who I feel genuine sympathy towards.
• Elena, the Bettie Page look alike.
• Oksana, the spy. Well, she says she's a doctor, but if you review her photo, you'll clearly see that she does some acrobatic espionage shit, like Molotov Cocktease from the Venture Bros. or some shit, B.
• Ludmila, who looks like the dock cop from season two of the Wire.
• Alla, who's six feet tall and unemployed.

You're all in, except for you, Yulia, because you all, with the exception of Yulia, resemble women I would like to have reshape my manhood, those women being yourselves, but since you were "in" before, I'm going to have to kick you all out. Yes, I still want to put red, white, and blue babies in each of you, well, except for you, Yulia, but we've had our fun. It's time we parted ways until some of our readers start ponying up the cash.

We now have fifty six women left to subject to PLAN 9.
Let's make it a little easier on ourselves, well, really, just on me. Because of extenuating circumstances, we have to break out PLAN 9 Lightning Round. PLAN 9 Lightning Round is a rapid fire process whereby I arbitrarily make up my mind over whom I would introduce to my little lawn gnome at such a pace that I don't have time to give you all the details.

Lightning Round 1: Face. (Yes, this is shallow.) From fifty six we are now down to thirty five.
Lightning Round 2: Job. From thirty five we are now down to twenty five.
Lightning Round 3: Smoker/Drinker. From twenty five we are now down to eleven.

And finally, full on PLAN 9.
Marina has a Bettie Page thing going on. IN.
Larisa doesn't remind me of anybody. OUT.
Alena has played this game before. She was OUT then for some reason and she's OUT again, now.
Olga looks like that girl from The Craft. Yes, I watched The Craft. That movie sucked, but Olga is IN.
Julia looks like a girl I think I went to high school with. IN. I think.
Anna looks like she's clearly out of her mind on speed. IN.
Anastasia looks like a country singer whose name I can't remember. IN.
Elena doesn't really look interesting. OUT.
Alla, upon further inspection, looks like a disgruntled pitbull. OUT.
Julia looks like what's-her-face from Mallrats. The one with the glasses. But she's also boring. OUT.
I gave Valeriya one pass after another because she had this cute indie-rock girl thing going on, but when forced to ask myself, "Who does she look like and would I engage in coitus with that person?" I am forced to the conclusion that she resembles Steve Buscemi. But only if Steve Buscemi was a cute indie-rock girl. OUT.

We are now down to the Fab Five.

Marina, I don't care what anybody says, her name means "Boat Parking Lot".
Olga says she loves learning foreign languages, but evidently speaks none.
Julia is a customs inspector. Okay, so that's not that exciting. She also claims her hair is red. I gave her a pass for being a strawberry blonde.
Anna. I told you about Anna. I think she's on meth.
Anastasia, what can I say? She says she can play the piano. Well, whoopity-fucking-doo. What do you want? A cookie?

So what have we learned? Well, we've learned that Charlie wants to have sex with lots of women and that these women will only have sex with him if he's a lawyer. With a green card. I'm going to go cry.

Montana, that's where they got them there crazy militia guys, innit?

Scheduled city: Helena
Actual city: Polson
Distance differential: 183 Miles, and we don't even get to say fun words like "Missoula" or "Kalispell".
Previous City ~ Next City

Guitarist/Singer/Songwriter

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Reply to: xxxxxxxxxxxx@hotmail.com
Date: 2008-02-26, 10:06PM MST


Punk rocker, If you have to say you're punk, you're automatically not punk. At least, I think that's what the punkers say, I don't fucking know. just moved to polson. Good god, man, why? Looking to be in or start a punk/ska Eww. band... um ya thats really it. Not wanting anything serious, just to play for a while together(sounds like a gay personal ad). WOAH! WOW! There it is ladies and gentleman. He took it there. That's ROUGH!

My influences include: NOFX, Meh. Social Distortion, Eh. Less Than Jake, Neh. Mad Caddies, No, no, no, no, no. No Use For A Name, You know, I've never heard them. NFG(yeah i know, poppy but damn good live), Who the fuck is NFG? Allow me to Google this bullshit.
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MOTHERFUCK NO! Jesus Christ, son, you got shit for brains? Bad Religion, Did you meet our friend in Sioux Falls? You guys should get together for a few beers. Cath 22, Never heard 'em. Streetlight Manifesto, Never heard 'em. The Clash, Everybody says them. Mighty Mighty Bosstones, Meh. The Specials, Eh. The Vandals, Neh. i could go on for a while. Please don't. Just hit me up if you wanna play...

P.S: Not a homophobe... just to make that clear Ssuurree, this seems like it would be right up your alley.

• Location: Polson
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 588242376

Or are the Bad Lands here? Fuck, I don't know

Scheduled city: Cheyenne, WY
Actual city: Cheyenne, WY
Distance differential: 0 Miles
Previous City ~ Next City

New Hardcore/Rock band seeks guitarist

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Reply to: see below
Date: 2008-03-01, 5:07AM MST


New hardcore/rock band looking for a second guitarist. Former members of Distro Has Run, Falling Untrue, I've never heard of either of these bands, but I would check out a band called Distro Has Run. Falling Untrue sounds emo-ish. and current member of Another Dream. 1. Not just Another Dream, another band. 2. I would not see a band called Another Dream. 3. I hope you guys don't question the new guy's commitment when one of you is in another band.To try out call Mat Like how Scot T has only one "t". @ xxx-xxx-xxxx.

• Location: Cheyenne
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 591933970

To the Bad Lands!

Scheduled city: Pierre, SD
Actual city: Sioux Falls, SD
Distance differential: 225 Miles, because, well, holy god, it's depressing even to look at a map of it.
Previous City ~ Next City

Looking to Jam

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Reply to: comm-xxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-02-27, 11:30AM CST


Hello,

I play drums and guitar You know that nobody cares about the guitar part, right? and am looking to Jam with other musicians. I'm 29 and live downtown. Downtown, things will be great when you're downtown... I listen to a diversity and am open to just about anything. Influences are Les Savy Fav, Cool. John Coltrane, Cool. Tool, Very cool. Interpol, Not bad. Sound Tribe Sector 9, Who? SlipKnot, Okay, everybody can go home now, nothing to see here, this guy has a copy of MTV Jock Jams or some similarly-themed, meat-necked mook-metal. Thievery Corporation, Never heard of 'em. Bad Religion, It's going to take a lot more than that to make up for that SlipKnot bullshit. Minor Threat, Shit. He's straightedge. Mastodon. I think you're just picking out the cool band names to cover up the SlipKnot. That's like if I were to say to somebody, "I listen to Jesus Lizard, Rapeman, Melvins, Sleep, the Divinyls,The Birthday Party, Motorhead, Ramones, etc... " See how that shit works? I just sandwiched a practical all-star roster of ass-kickery around one of the most unfunny jokes Australia ever played on the world of rock, thus bringing the entirety of my musical taste into question for one simple infraction. You see how that shit works?
And by the way, no, I don't listen to the Divinyls.

Drop me a line.

• Location: Sioux Falls
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 588670139

The Frozen Tundra of Unnerving Boredom

Scheduled city: Bismarck, ND
Actual city: Fargo, ND / Moorhead, MN
Distance differential: 196 Miles, because there aint shit in North Dakota. Really. Like, this was it and it's six days old.
Previous City ~ Next City

Bassist needed

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Reply to: xxxxxx@yahoo.com
Date: 2008-02-25, 2:23AM CST


Bassist needed for new band just forming, and playing original music.
Contact me for any details. Must be comitted to practice Thursdays and Saturdays.

• Location: Fargo/Moorhead
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 585874930

So, there's this guy, Alex Jones.

I don't know if you've ever heard of him, but I just found out about this guy this morning.
You see, I woke up this morning about 0520CST, and I had this song playing on a constant loop in my frontal lobe. So, one thing leads to another, and I'm currently dressed up like a ranch hand and I've been listening to "Pass the Dutchie". You know how it goes.
Anyway, so I'm listening to this Alex Jones cat, and he's quite the rabble-rouser. He's got himself a couple movies out there, gets arrested for the most ridiculous shit (in one instance, all he did was ask then-Texas-governor Bush Jr. a question at a press conference), and in one, he takes a couple pot-shots at Michael Moore. It's not that he's trying to discredit Moore, no, no, no. He's calling Moore a pussy for not going far enough. Then on top of that, insists that Moore is a corporate shill.
That's right: Somebody besides me, somebody with media attention finally called Michael Moore out for being a ginormous corporate pussy.
You can listen to Alex Jones' radio show stream at:
http://www.infowars.com/
I've found it works best with Quicktime, even though I hate Quicktime, but I reinstalled Quicktime and I told that greedy bitch it best leave my fucking defaults alone.
Also check out:
http://prisonplanet.com/

All of the above images are used without permission from http://www.libertystickers.com/, yeah they're somewhere between Libertarian and Anarchism, and I know those politics get a bad rep, but look at the images. Do any of those sentiments sound nuts? And they come from our founding fathers for Christ's sake. You think it might be time that we got rid of the two party system?