Let's start by first tallying up the number of locales Ludacris has hoes in. In the song "Area Codes" Ludacris never mentions specifically how many hoes he has in each area code, just the number of area codes in which he can visit should he wish to visit a ho. We can safely assume therefore, that each area code has a minimum of one ho and if Ludacris has hoes in forty area codes, then he clearly has, at the very least, forty hoes.
| In lyrical order. | In numerical order. |
| 404 718 202 901 305 312 313 215 803 757 410 504 972 713 314 201 916 415 704 206 808 216 702 414 317 214 281 334 205 318 601 203 804 402 301 904 407 850 708 502 | 201 202 203 205 206 214 215 216 281 301 305 312 313 314 317 318 334 402 404 407 410 414 415 502 504 601 702 704 708 713 718 757 803 804 808 850 901 904 916 972 |
So according to the numerical order list, Luda's hoes can be found in:
| Hoboken, NJ Washington, DC New Haven, CT Birmingham, AL Seattle, WA Dallas, TX Philadelphia, PA Cleveland, OH Houston, TX Rockville, MD Miami, FL Chicago, IL Detroit, MI St. Louis, MO Indianapolis, IN Shreveport, LA Montgomery, AL Omaha, NE Atlanta, GA Orlando, FL Baltimore, MD Milwaukee, WI San Francisco, CA Louisville, KY Albuquerque, NM Jackson, MS Las Vegas, NV Charlotte, NC Cicero, IL Houston, TX New York, NY (four out of five Boroughs, excluding Mannhattan. That's where Nate Dogg's ho* is.) Hampton Roads, VA Columbia, SC Richmond, VA Hawaii (all of it) Pensacola, FL Memphis, TN Jacksonville, FL Sacramento, CA Dallas, TX | 201 202 203 205 206 214 215 216 281 301 305 312 313 314 317 318 334 402 404 407 410 414 415 502 504 601 702 704 708 713 718 757 803 804 808 850 901 904 916 972 |
All joking aside, we are presented with a new dilemma. Because Dallas and Houston are mentioned twice (Chicago nearly was, but 708 covers Chicago suburbs, not Chicago proper according to the NANP list), we now have thirty eight (38) locales that correspond to forty (40) area codes. It must be assumed, then, that Ludacris has one ho in each of the aforementioned area codes, otherwise, why would he take the time to specify two different area codes for each of the greater metropolitan areas of Dallas (214, 972) and Houston (281, 713)?
And here's where the fascinating part happens: When you rearrange the area codes back into the order in which they appear in the lyrics, you see that Luda actually places Dallas and Houston next to each other twice. If this is to be read as a sort of schedule for ho visitations, Luda is willing to drive the two hundred thirty nine (239) miles over the course of three hours forty minutes to visit all four of his Texas based hoes.
But what if this song is a ho schedule? After all, Luda has forty hoes in thirty eight locales, and he doesn't seem to be scheduling things using any sense of logistical rationale. After all, instead of perhaps hitting both Dallas area codes in one shot and both Houston area codes immediately after that, Luda instead goes to one Dallas area code, one Houston area code, leaves for a while, returns later to another Dallas area code followed by a different Houston one.
If this is Luda's itinerary, here are the travel plans he can look forward to should he choose to travel by car:
| From | To | Distance (miles) | Time (hr:mn) |
| Atlanta (404) | NYC (718) | 885 | 14:06 |
| NYC (718) | DC (202) | 228 | 4:04 |
| DC (202) | Memphis (901) | 880 | 13:38 |
| Memphis (901) | Miami (305) | 1043 | 16:09 |
| Miami (305) | Chicago (312) | 1378 | 21:08 |
| Chicago (312) | Detroit (313) | 282 | 4:31 |
| Detroit (313) | Philly (215) | 582 | 9:34 |
| Philly (215) | Columbia (803) | 614 | 10:04 |
| Columbia (803) | Hampton Roads (757) | 695 | 6:25 |
| Hampton Roads (757) | Baltimore (410) | 225 | 3:51 |
| Baltimore (410) | Albuquerque (504) | 1874 | 28:00 |
| Albuquerque (504) | Dallas (972) | 648 | 10:42 |
| Dallas (972) | Houston (713) | 239 | 3:41 |
| Houston (713) | St. Louis (314) | 868 | 13:40 |
| St. Louis (314) | Hoboken (201) | 950 | 15:18 |
| Hoboken (201) | Sacramento (916) | 2818 | 41:00 |
| Sacramento (916) | San Francisco (415) | 88 | 1:33 |
| San Francisco (415) | Charlotte (704) | 2715 | 40:00 |
| Charlotte (704) | Seattle (206) | 2858 | 42:00 |
| Seattle (206) | Hawaii (808)** | 2803 | 342:00 |
| Hawaii (808)** | Cleveland (216) | 5210 | 378:00 |
| Cleveland (216) | Las Vegas (702) | 2079 | 30:00 |
| Las Vegas (702) | Milwaukee (414) | 1791 | 26:00 |
| Milwaukee (414) | Indianapolis (317) | 273 | 4:38 |
| Indianapolis (317) | Dallas (214) | 899 | 13:30 |
| Dallas (214) | Houston (281) | 239 | 3:40 |
| Houston (281) | Montgomery (334) | 633 | 9:32 |
| Montgomery (334) | Birmingham (205) | 92 | 1:28 |
| Birmingham (205) | Shreveport (318) | 451 | 6:38 |
| Shreveport (318) | Jackson (601) | 220 | 3:17 |
| Jackson (601) | New Haven (203) | 1282 | 20:10 |
| New Haven (203) | Richmond (804) | 412 | 7:17 |
| Richmond (804) | Omaha (402) | 1253 | 19:04 |
| Omaha (402) | Rockville (301) | 1131 | 17:48 |
| Rockville (301) | Jacksonville (904) | 718 | 11:05 |
| Jacksonville (904) | Orlando (407) | 139 | 2:13 |
| Orlando (407) | Pensacola (850) | 449 | 6:45 |
| Pensacola (850) | Cicero (708) | 915 | 14:39 |
| Cicero (708) | Louisville (502) | 302 | 4:56 |
Total mileage: 41,161 miles. Total time: 7 weeks, 1 day, 19 hours, 58 minutes.And should Luda wish to make a return trip to his starting point, we simply have to add in...
From Louisville (502) To Atlanta (404); 421 miles; 6 hours, 32 minutesClearly, this is an awful lot of work for Luda to keep all forty of his hoes separate, especially when you figure that he just got kind of lazy in Dallas, Houston, and, to some degree, Chicago. Over forty one thousand miles and over seven weeks of travel time (excluding ho time) is an awfully long way to go and long time to be on the road for a little bit of booty here and there. From this, one could only surmise that each of the forty hoes in question has a particular trait or talent endearing enough to force Luda to take on such an ill-advised travel itinerary. Especially when you condsider one location is a fucking military port! Do you think the MPs at the gate are just going to wave Ludacris in!?
MP at the gate: "Hey, Sarge, there's a black SUV bumpin' some mad jams approaching. Please advise."And why, why, why is Ludacris fucking around with the Chicago suburb of Cicero? Have you been to Cicero? I've been to Cicero. I would not engage in any affairs requiring travel with a ho from Cicero. Im fairly certain that I would not engage in any affairs where I remained stationary with a ho from Cicero.
Sarge on the radio: "Open up the gate, nigga! That's Luda!"
This is Ludacris we're discussing, though, and these are Ludacris' hoes; I'm sure he thought all of this through and has some well-thought-out reasoning to explain his ho choices and, by extension, each ho's spatial relation to each other. Until that reasoning is revealed, however, we must remain satisfied and secure in the knowledge that, should Ludacris forget the whereabouts of his hoes, we can help him find them again.
* For the purpose of this examination, we have excluded Nate Dogg's ho as he can't seem to remember if she is located in 212 (Manhattan) or 213 (Central L.A.).
** You wouldn't believe it, but GoogleMaps actually features driving and walking directions between Hawaii and the continental U.S. I understand that Ludacris will probably choose to fly.
Addendum: Upon closer inspection, the directions for oversea leg of the trip between the continental U.S. and the Hawaiian islands are for kayaking, not driving or walking on the ocean floor, which is what I thought they meant at first. I can see Luda in a kayak.
1 comments:
Charlie, Charlie, Charlie. You're so naive. Luda's not going to take seven plus weeks for all that. He's like a ho-banging Santa Claus. He gets that shit done in one night.
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